I don’t have a lot of life goals.
I’m too busy
barely making it actually living to focus much on the future.
My main goals in life are to
be rich provide a comfortable life for The Dudes, and make sure that I am awesome do everything I can to make them happy, good, strong, contributing members of society (don’t want to wind up profiled on some episode of Dateline because they turn out to be sickos).
Other than that, I’m pretty open.
Accept for this one thing: I want to be the favorite parent.
Sounds crazy, I know, but it’s totally true.
It is my desire to make The Dudes think I am inherently cooler and more awesome than Dumb Dad.
Just ‘cause, I think it’s important to be the best in all areas of one’s life, and also because I want just one time, to put my hand up and say, “FACE!” to him.
It’s sort of a dream of mine.
But only because for so many years, he’s been hogging the spotlight.
While I’ve been cleaning poop, and getting up in the middle of the night, and feeding them food made from my very own body, he’s been over here living it up as kid’s choice.
Everyone’s all happy when Dad comes home. Everyone’s on their best behavior when Dad comes home. All of the whining and temper tantrums and life-or-death situations disappear when Dad comes home.
Because Dumb Dad is a playing games, going to movies, building forts, happy-go-lucky-because-I-don’t-have-to-do-laundry-and-make-lunches-people-puke-on type of a dad.
All things a pregnant, nursing, mother-of-a-needy-baby, disgruntled-toddler, and easily agitated big boy can’t easily do.
Since right around 2004, he’s been the go-to guy on all things fun.
While mommy is off cooking dinner, cleaning toilets, potty training babies, teaching kids the meaning of life, Dumb Dad has had time to hone his making-kids-giggle-at-dumb-jokes skills.
I do all the dirty work, and he gets all the glory!
But, not any more!
#3 is not the life-sucking-attention-hog that he used to be. #2 is way less disgruntled. #1 can’t hardly find time to be bothered by me at all. And, I’m more able to focus some of my attention on the fun elements of life, than on the more-important-less-appreciated elements that actually keep people living.
So, I’m ready to shake things up around here.
No more sneaking off to shower while Dumb Dad plays tag in the yard.
I’m getting in on the fun and I plan to give Dumb Dad a run for his money in the super-fun-awesome-parent department.
Watch your back, Dumb Dad. I’m coming for ya!
With my fail proof plan of course…
Dumb Mom’s Guide to Being the Favorite Parent
1. Serve snack. At Casa de Dummies, it seems that The Dudes’ entire day is just a tedious march to snack time. It’s like, from the moment I drag them out of bed in the morning, they are thinking about enjoying their evening snack. Ergo, the parent who actually presents them with the snack is often the parent who gets to wear the hero badge for the day. Never mind who actually slaved away in the kitchen trying to come up with something healthful AND delicious to tickle their fancies. It’s all about who plops the strawberry-shortcake filled plate down in front of them. When I used to work nights, I would prepare delicious post-dinner, pre-bedtime treats for The Dudes. Dumb Dad would serve it to them and they would give him all of the glory the next morning. Them days are gone. Awesome snacks made by me are, from here on out, to be served by me. End of story.
2. Let them get dirty. From what I can see, little boys are disgusting little creatures and, like pigs, they seem to enjoy being covered in mud (and other things brown and gross). Let ‘em do it once per season and then strip off their clothing and throw it in the garbage; it won’t fit next year anyway.
3. Take them fun places. Pumpkin patches…
You know, seriously fun stuff like that!
4. Give them video games. Just because Dumb Dad spends every night in the basement playing his PS3, doesn’t mean that I can’t be the master of awesome gaming ventures too. We go the opportunity to preview the new LEGO Universe online game this week (it launches today incidentally!) and it was awesome! The Dudes love playing it and I kinda got into it with them too. The fact that it’s an online game is inconsequential to them because they are mostly just immersed in the game play of it. But point is, they really, really, REALLY like playing it, and since I am responsible for it’s presence in the Casa, I am the one getting extra hugs this week. How you like them apples, Dumb Dad?!
5. Say yes to pets. Dumb Dad hates animals. Not in general really, but specifically. He specifically hates animals that he is required to own, meaning he will never, ever initiate the possession of a nonhuman life form. Unless it’s an alien. Pretty sure Dumb Dad would be down to own an alien. He’s weird like that.
6. Buy them cool gear. Recently, #1 informed me that he’d like to get some skinny jeans because “boot cut jeans look bad”. After I picked Dumb Dad’s jaw up offa his boot-cut-jeans-covered feet, I told him to get over his old self and buy the kid a new pair of pants. Making the pre-tween dress like a 35 year old man is not cool and, as much as I hate
nut-huggers skinny jeans on boys, I actually think skinny jeans on MY boy are kinda cute. But, they’re not the super nut-hugging skinny ones, so maybe that’s why.
7. Smile and nod. If I’ve said this once I’ve said it a million times: parents are to be seen and not heard. Everyone knows you have to be there to monitor things and
get all up in their business make sure everyone is safe, but no kid wants their parents to monopolize the conversation. Dumb Dad likes to ask all kinds of questions and make jokes and play ball to the point that #1 usually winds up sitting on a rock watching his Dad dunk all over his friends. Me, I serve the snacks with a smile and then go stand in the kitchen with my ear pressed to the wall. They like that better most of the time.
8. Give good hugs. Moms are always better at hugging than dads, it’s just so.
10. Have fun. Sometimes I’m so busy being wrapped up in things I have to do, that I forget to do some of the things that we just like to do. When I remember, that’s when things get crazy and my awesome goes through the roof. I’m naturally way more fun than Dumb Dad. I just need time to shine!
Have a great mom tip to share with us? Go ahead and link up!