My kids have good manners.
I mean, I taught them good manners and they use them sparingly on occasion when they feel like it pretty much never in public.
It’s not like I didn’t teach them about having good manners and being respectful and stuff.
I did as best I could. I model good manners, I remind them to use their manners in public settings, and when they aren’t fighting over whose touching whose side of the couch we even practice being cordial and courteous with each other at home.
But, some how they are somewhat sketchy about using them when it matters.
Like when you are at you’re father’s retirement party. Or at a parent-teacher conference and you had to bring your toddler because your husband was at work. Or pretty much anytime they are around people who are talking to them or me.
So I’m working on it.
But, as an added precaution, I’m developing a number of quick response techniques for those moments when my children and their manners suddenly disappear into oblivion, leaving me standing there, mouth agape, shamed into never showing my face in that (or possibly any) establishment again ever.
It’s best to be prepared.
Dumb Mom’s Guide to Not Letting Your Wild Children Embarrass You
Scenario 1: While at the beach minding your own business and enjoying the evening sun, your three year old walks up to the armed security guard, taps him on his gun and says, “Are you my grandpa?”
Response: Take a moment to wonder why your child can’t even recognize his own grandfather and then inconspicuously let your puppy’s leash go so she tears across the beach and ruins another beach goers’ evening picnic by romping through it and stealing their steaming hot meat. The security guard will be distracted, all of the people surrounding the security guard will be distracted, and the family who had their chicken dinner ruined will probably forgive you because your puppy is adorable. Once your puppy is collected, take a moment to thank your lucky stars that he didn’t ask the security guard if he was his father, like he did with the random bald man he spotted at the bank.
Scenario 2: While at the pool minding your own business your son says he has to go to the bathroom. You give him clearance to go take care of that and turn back to talk about last night’s episode of True Blood with your fellow swim mom mind your own business only to hear gasps followed by the sound of someone pouring water on the pool deck please say that is the sound of someone POURING water. Of course it’s not water. It is your son. Who hates you. And truly wants other people to also as his pee slides into the filter of the baby pool.
Response: Drown yourself in the baby pool. It will take some time and commitment since the stupid thing is only 2 feet deep at it’s deepest, but still. It’s worth the work because even though all of the moms wave away your apologies and act like they “totally understand” because they’ve “been there” you know they are lying and that they are SO gonna talk about you tomorrow at the gym.
Scenario 3: While at your father’s retirement party minding your own business by talking to a group of your father’s colleagues, your 6 year old son comes up to you and says, “Hey, Mommy. Do you know what nookie is? I do!”.
Response: Say, “HUH!” as loud as you possibly can and then shove a piece of cake in his mouth and hope he chokes on it. Not a lot. But a little. You know, so saving him can distract people from the fact that he just used a slang sex term in the middle of a room filled with prestigious business men and women.
Scenario 4: While going into your job just to pick up a couple of papers and then continue about your day of minding your own business, your 2 year old sees your boss and begins to cry and make a break for the door. When you ask him what the problem is he points and screams in horror, “He is scaring me!”
Response: First, note that your boss is not a man. He is a woman. Attempt to explain to your boss that your son is afraid of everyone, including scary women that look like men. And also, he has a little pronoun confusion too. Swear. He really does.
Scenario 5: While getting onto an elevator at the library where you fully intend to mind your own business while your son looks for a book in the children’s section, your 2 and a half year old gets into the elevator already occupied with one suspicious looking woman and says, “I can’t be in here, Mommy. It smells like do-doo,” as he starts to gag a little
Response: Gag with him. Because, frankly, he is correct. Then, glare at the dead-inside-sneaky-elevator-farter who ruined your day and possibly your next 3 meals as well. I mean, really. I couldn’t even blame #1 for that one. It was offensive enough that I took it personally. Sneaky farters deserve to be called out by vocal two year olds.
Have an embarrassing kid story to share? Please do so I know I’m not the only one who has kids who are systematically trying to shame me into hiding.
Funny episodes. Your children sound great fun :).
At least they’re entertaining!
Another trick would be to pretend that you’re deaf and have no idea what they just said/did. Just start doing fake sign language, and look innocent.
I do go for the super loud WHAT?! sometimes and pretend like I didn’t hear them as I cover their mouth’s with my hand and rush them from the place. It works when they don’t start yelling for me to get my hands off of them because they can’t breathe!
I’m glad that I got my darn kidney stone taken care of today, otherwise I wouldn’t have enjoyed laughing my butt off at this post. Children are loads of laughs!
What?! Kidney stones hurt like a mother! Hope you’re feeling better!
Sooo cute! And I can SOO totally relate…that’s one of the reasons I blog lol! My 2 yo went around during her sister’s baseball game the other day eating all the candy that fell under the bleachers. I managed to grab her from that, and next I found her licking the sap on the tree behind us… I love love love my kids! Really…
Tree sap licking?! Sounds as awesome as #3′s puddle drinking!
BWhahahah I am not laughing at you I am laughing with you. Forced to inform you that the realization that they will forget them in inopportune moments for the rest of their lives at home.. yeah it only gets better. Like when my oldest was dating a pretty young lady and went to dinner with her and her parents. The father, like any protective father, sees a prime opportunity to embarrass and educate my son on what would happen were he to attempt any kind of physical contact with his teen daughter. My son smiled at the man and said oh no worries my mom told me if I ever did that before I was married I better make it mind blowing for me, cause when she found out it would be the ONLY time I had sex. She would cut mine off and throw it away forcing me to use a strap on for the rest of my natural life..
yeah.. in Arby’s no less. ]
The father nearly choked on his drink laughing..
I was not present thank God cause that is not exactly what I said. I never mentioned the strap on, I led him to believe it would never again be an option..
oh my goodness….I think you win!!! HA<HAHA>HA>!!!
Yeah, dude. That is insane!
lmao Cant believe he peed in the pool filter!! I was totally cracking up.
My son once shouted “I like hers BOOBS!!” at the top of his lungs, and pointed at a poor startled 16 yr old at WalMart. My mom was with us, and she was dying… I was laughing.
This is something my son would do too.
#2 is a boob man as well. And today, just this evening at the lake #3 yelled, “Mommy whys dat girl naked wif her booty out?” She wasn’t. She was wearing a friggin’ bikini!
Good, good stuff – funny, but also very practical.
Allie
Hahahahaha!!! Brilliantly funny! I love your responses.
My son is still too young to embarrass me. Unless you count the time he tried to pull my shirt down in a restaurant……
Yeah the hands down the shirt are always nice! And don’t worry, you have time!
These are so funny! I would love to see someone try to drown themselves in the kiddie pool.
And the fact that he called your boss a “he”? PRICELESS.
Yeah, it seems more funny when it’s not you!
oh that was good and funny. I am in my office trying to choke back laughter. So we were at a BBQ at a friends’ hom. My then 14 yr old was socializing and being cute when out of the blue he walked over to my other friend’s younger sister (19 at the time) and just pulled down the front of her shirt. It was summer time. It was a halter top.
Ah, little boys and their inappropriate expressions of affection. Gotta love it!
This has happened to me so, so many times. Like the time Baby Girl popped the woman in line in front of us on the butt because she wasn’t moving fast enough. Or the time she yelled out in the grocery store that those people looked so old that they should be dead. Or how about just a couple of weeks ago when I was standing around with all of my coworkers when she pointed and yelled out “that old woman freaks me out.” The old woman is about 50 and works with me. I acted like I didn’t know who she was talking about because honestly? She kind of freaks me out too.
OHEMGEE! Totally happened at Great Wolf Lodge! An old lady with a rickety lookin cane was walking down the hall #3 goes, “Mommy, she’s creepy!” Um, yeah she was. She looked like a voodoo master! Think she was deaf thought or I’m pretty sure she woulda put a spell on us!
LOL – I love that your boss is a woman – I mean she’s clearly asking for trouble ….if she cared – maybe she would throw on some earrings or lipstick:)
Sad part is she did both of those things. Guess he thought she was in drag.
Just two days ago my 4 year-old son dropped trou and peed on a tree, in a very busy park and then waddled back toward my direction, with pants still around his ankles, and announced VERY loudly, “Momma! My penis stinks!”
I prayed desperately that the ground would open up and swallow me and I considered faking a heart attack or an aneurysm.
Penis! Such a funny word. #2 loves saying that.
When my kids embarrass me I pretend they aren’t mine and walk around helping them look for their parents.
Awesome strategy! Too bad mine look just like me!
LOL! Your kids are great! :-) (Oh, and so are you. GREAT responses)
I have 3 quick embarrassing moments. Ok, there’s probably WAY more than that. But these 3 come to mind immediately.
#1 When my, now 26 year old, was about 3 she asked my mom how old she was. To which my mom responded, “I’m 40 something!”. My daughter then said, “Wow, granny, you’re almost DEAD!” Then later that day, we went to visit my now husband an and my now mother in law. Again, my daughter asked how old she was. To which my MIL responded, “I’m 60 something!”. Without missing a beat, my daughter says, “MY GOODNESS! You’re almost more deader than my granny!” GASP!! Thankfully, she still let me marry her son! LOL and almost 23 years later, we’re still married…and my MIL lives with us! :-)
#2 A few years ago, when my now 9 year old was about 2 or 3 (both my daughters made their marks in the world as far as embarrassing me, around the age of 3) she and I walked into this store that had recently opened. The store manager and several other employees were at the door greeting people and welcoming them. The manager leans down to speak to my daughter and ask how she was doing. To which she replied, “I’m doing fine. But there sure is a bunch of CRAP in this store!” :-O Although I was MORTIFIED, as we walked through the store, turns out she was right. The store closed a few months later.
#3 Again, I was out running errands with my sweet little daughter, Jayla. (the one who is now 9). I’m thinking she was…maybe 2 or 3 :-) We were in JoAnns, my favorite store. And this lady asked my daughter how come she wasn’t in school (again, she was only 2 or 3, but she’s tall for her age). Jayla smiles and hides her face in my side. (she was sitting in the shopping cart) So I tell the lady how old she is. Then the lady asks Jayla what her name is. Jayla then replies, “My name is Jayla Bibbs. What’s your name?” The lady says, “Well aren’t you polite? My name is Nancy Sue.” (I promise, that was her name!) Jayla quizzically looks at me, then back at the lady and says, “Well that’s a CWAZY name!” LOL
My girls ROCK!! :-)
She clearly knows her stuff. You can’t help it if people can’t handle the truth!
I don’t believe those cute boys would do anything like those things you’ve mentioned to embarrass you!
Not for a second.
People think I’m lying on them all the time. Until #3 calls them a doodoo head dummy face. Then what?!
Lol! You responses are perfect :). I always curse the fact that i blush really easily in momnts like these. And yes we definitely all have moments like this- hence the “not so proud” side of Proud Mommy Moments :)
I’m a sweater myself. Meaning I sweat when I get embarrassed, not that I’m comfy and cozy to wear in the winter.