Dumb Dad and I do most of our communication via furtive looks and intense stares.
Or by texting. Or emailing. When in the same house.
What?!
When you live in a constantly noisy house filled with three of the loudest talking humans on the planet, what choice do you have? Having a normal conversation is just not an option.
Unless you like shouting. And being interrupted. Continuously.
Occasionally we do get in a few words here and there. With some meaningful grunts and lip smacks for emphasis.
And, after something like 8 years of marriage (I’ve lost count so shoot me) I’ve learned what things are going to set him off. Certain statements or questions that will result in his glariest look (he’s not a talker really, so glariest looks are considered bad).
Because they are annoying. Or unreasonable. Or just downright stupid.
Learn from my experience people, that’s what I’m here for.
10 Questions You Should Never Ask Your Man (If you have one that you like and want to keep smiley and stuff)
1. You’re done?! No matter where you apply this statement, it isn’t nice.
2. So, how about those INSERT RANDOM SPORTS TEAM HE IS OBSESSED WITH THAT WAS RECENTLY BEATEN TO A PULP BY VICIOUS RIVAL?
3. Do I look fat? We all know it’s a trap. You might as well just start the conversation with I’m super ticked off with you right now so let’s just go at it. No matter how he answers this question he’s either being insensitive or lying to your face. According to you anyway.
4. Are you going to wear that? Obviously he’s going to wear it. He is wearing it, isn’t he? Standing right there at the door, keys in hand, heading out. Dudes don’t test out outfits for your reaction. They dress and roll. And then get all defensive if you questions them. Throw away all of his hideous mandals and t-shirts from high school. Or give them to the dog. Or ruin them in the wash. It’s the only way to ensure he doesn’t climb into his “Beer Goggles” tee and try to wear it to your family reunion.
5. So, do you think we should get a lawn man? He will NOT take this the same way as you would if he came home and said, “So, do you think we should get a maid?” Because that would be a happy-died-and-gone-to-Heaven moment. But, naturally, in the altiverse guys live in, asking him if he’d like help accomplishing the one household chore he really is in charge of is like asking him if he’d like you to get a gigolo. Seriously.
6. Do you want to go to my parent’s for dinner? Nothing against your parents of course, but you know, he can name at least 5 things he’d rather be doing. Alone. In his man cave. Without you, the kids, or your mom’s meat loaf.
7. Should we go to the theater for our anniversary? No. Just no.
8. Which dress should I wear? He doesn’t care. they all look the same to him. Unless one of them is super tight and made out of leather perhaps? Then you should NOT wear that one out of the house. But inside the house is ok:).
9. Do you want to have another baby? No. Just no. Well, maybe? Or, wait, is this a trick? Yes! That’s what you want, right? Can we afford that? So, um, no. Just no.
10. Can you quit your job so we can move across country so I can live by my mommy because I don’t have any friends here. Yes, I did it. And he agreed! Go figure! Read the rest of the story on the Million Moms Challenge website. It’s a juicy one too. About me being knocked up by my baby daddy the most difficult part of my pregnancy. Straight off a Maury Povich couch yo! Only skinnier, with less yelling, and no need for security, and minus the you-are-not-the-father musical montages.
*P.S. If you leave a comment on the Million Moms Challenge site you will be entered to win a super prize including my love and respect for years to come. Well, maybe not years, but at least through the weekend! Thanks:)
I love your list. #8 is so unbelievably true!! I don’t know why I even bother asking him anymore.
Umm, and a link to your Million Mom’s story?? I can’t find you over there.
Straight of the Maury Povich couch Yo! LOVE IT. #1 out the gate, cracked me up! Love your list!
Great list – I have to admit better and funnier than mine. Number 4 is all my husband… and every time he asks “what’s wrong with my outfit”.
I don’t know why it takes so long to retrain a man’s sense of style? I mean it only took me 3 days and $5,000!
Ok so, while I love your list (and everything else you write), I’m now wondering why this does not apply to my hubby…I mean he is accepting and sensitive to my needs ( I know wierd, right?) Maybe that is why I married him! :) For example #8, wierd as it sounds, he probably has a better memeory of the dresses I own than I do. he would suggest a few he likes (none made of leather..lol) and tell me shich compiments me the most! If I asked if we should go to my moms for dinner, I know he would have a million other things he’d rather do, but he would go with no compliants. I guess I just got lucky huh? maybe I should mention we have only been married a year and a half.. could this be the difference???
Yes. That’s the difference. Also? Get his testosterone level checked out. I’m being serious. I’m married to one of those dudes that can be sensitive, and I swear it is because he has low testosterone.
Nothing wrong with his testosterone (*wink wink)!!
It doesn’t really effect that, but I’m convinced it makes them more in touch with their feelings.
I’d say it’s a couple of things: one yeah, it’s the time. We’ve been together for 14 years so he doesn’t have to really tell me he’s not interested in going to my parents’ for dinner for me to know and not ask to save him the trouble of pretending for my sake. And the other thing is me. Pretty sure he’s afraid to tell me one little thing about what I’m wearing even if I ask. He’s had his head bitten off and his opinion canceled enough time to know a simple, “I’m no fashion guru” is probably the safest for him. Finally, yeah, your husband is probably just that dang cool.
David has this shirt that I HATE, and that I keep “forgetting” to put in the wash. I think I’ve got about two more months before he completely forgets about it and I can trash it. But like at work where he can’t see it’s in the trash because then he will remember it again and take it out for me to wash. Maybe I could “accidentally” spill bleach on it…
What is up with the yard work question? That happened to us this summer. He was working crazy hours and I very sweetly offered to hire someone to do the lawn and he had a man fit. Sheesh. I was just trying to help.
Yeah, Dumb Dad is notorious for digging his stuff outta the trash. And then turning those hurt eyes on me! But seriously, no man in his 30s needs clothing from 8th grade. Maybe I’m just bitter he can still fit into it!
OgollyhesaredsoxfanIamsosorry. You said he was in charge of one household chore and listed two.
Mickey and I haven’t had a private conversation since the girls learned how to spell.
I loved the list. Too many “me toos” to name! I gave up trying to talk to my husband about his clothes. If he wants to resemble a homeless person then so be it. We also frequently email each other from the other room.
This list is proof that it IS possible to snort coffee out of your nose, and that it’s not pretty. Thanks so much for the laugh of the day. It was totally brilliant, and I really needed that!
Well mine doesn’t have a sports team so we are good there.. We don’t have dates cause we are too old for that. I think I am pretty good in most areas and yes a link to your story on the Million moms
You are just so wise. :-)
LOL These are so true. Every single one of them. Cracked me up, because I think I’ve said the same thing to my husband and gotten the same reactions.
Dude, I always ask the “Are you going to wear that” question.
Obviously (as you’ve stated) he is going to wear that because he’s ALREADY wearing that. Sometimes I just can’t help it and of course it leads him to changing and then getting upset with me because I brought it up.
Me and my big mouth. LOL
Soooooo…yeah…#9 is on constant rotation around here. It’s all in fun (except when IT’S NOT AND WHY DON’T YOU KNOW I’M NOT JOKING JUST ONE MORE PLEASE JUST ONE ONE ONE COME ON ONE JUST ONE).
Yep..pretty sure my list is almost the same..except I don’t want to move too close to my mom! I sort of like that she’s a day away! (Except when it comes time for the kiddos to actually come out, or when I want a free sitter)!
Hmmm, after almost 23 years of marriage (to the same man, mind you). Some of these questions I didn’t realize we, as wives, weren’t supposed to ask. Wait, maybe there’s a cut off point in the marriage. You know, after you’ve been married, say 15 years, some of these questions are okay?!? I dunno…I’ll have to get back to you on this one, LOL :-).
Great post though! And here I thought me and Mister were the only ones who emailed & texted eachother at home…sometimes in the same room…on the same bed…don’t judge! LOL
Nearly died laughing! My husband doesn’t fit all of these, but pretty darn close.