Dumb Dad and I do most of our communication via furtive looks and intense stares.
Or by texting. Or emailing. When in the same house.
When you live in a constantly noisy house filled with three of the loudest talking humans on the planet, what choice do you have? Having a normal conversation is just not an option.
Unless you like shouting. And being interrupted. Continuously.
Occasionally we do get in a few words here and there. With some meaningful grunts and lip smacks for emphasis.
And, after something like 8 years of marriage (I’ve lost count so shoot me) I’ve learned what things are going to set him off. Certain statements or questions that will result in his glariest look (he’s not a talker really, so glariest looks are considered bad).
Because they are annoying. Or unreasonable. Or just downright stupid.
Learn from my experience people, that’s what I’m here for.
10 Questions You Should Never Ask Your Man (If you have one that you like and want to keep smiley and stuff)
1. You’re done?! No matter where you apply this statement, it isn’t nice.
2. So, how about those INSERT RANDOM SPORTS TEAM HE IS OBSESSED WITH THAT WAS RECENTLY BEATEN TO A PULP BY VICIOUS RIVAL?
3. Do I look fat? We all know it’s a trap. You might as well just start the conversation with I’m super ticked off with you right now so let’s just go at it. No matter how he answers this question he’s either being insensitive or lying to your face. According to you anyway.
4. Are you going to wear that? Obviously he’s going to wear it. He is wearing it, isn’t he? Standing right there at the door, keys in hand, heading out. Dudes don’t test out outfits for your reaction. They dress and roll. And then get all defensive if you questions them. Throw away all of his hideous mandals and t-shirts from high school. Or give them to the dog. Or ruin them in the wash. It’s the only way to ensure he doesn’t climb into his “Beer Goggles” tee and try to wear it to your family reunion.
5. So, do you think we should get a lawn man? He will NOT take this the same way as you would if he came home and said, “So, do you think we should get a maid?” Because that would be a happy-died-and-gone-to-Heaven moment. But, naturally, in the altiverse guys live in, asking him if he’d like help accomplishing the one household chore he really is in charge of is like asking him if he’d like you to get a gigolo. Seriously.
6. Do you want to go to my parent’s for dinner? Nothing against your parents of course, but you know, he can name at least 5 things he’d rather be doing. Alone. In his man cave. Without you, the kids, or your mom’s meat loaf.
7. Should we go to the theater for our anniversary? No. Just no.
8. Which dress should I wear? He doesn’t care. they all look the same to him. Unless one of them is super tight and made out of leather perhaps? Then you should NOT wear that one out of the house. But inside the house is ok:).
9. Do you want to have another baby? No. Just no. Well, maybe? Or, wait, is this a trick? Yes! That’s what you want, right? Can we afford that? So, um, no. Just no.
10. Can you quit your job so we can move across country so I can live by my mommy because I don’t have any friends here. Yes, I did it. And he agreed! Go figure! Read the rest of the story on the Million Moms Challenge website. It’s a juicy one too. About
me being knocked up by my baby daddy the most difficult part of my pregnancy. Straight off a Maury Povich couch yo! Only skinnier, with less yelling, and no need for security, and minus the you-are-not-the-father musical montages.
*P.S. If you leave a comment on the Million Moms Challenge site you will be entered to win a super prize including my love and respect for years to come. Well, maybe not years, but at least through the weekend! Thanks:)