Wordful Wednesday. Growing Older Gracelessly.

Today I ignored with vigor celebrated my 5th 29th birthday.

I pretty much felt like this all day. 

zombie face

I mean it was a Tuesday after all, which meant school, tutoring, soccer, and dinner and someplace fast and disgusting.

Plus, I decided ages ago that I was never going to be okay with turning 30 (or 40, or 50, or anything past 29 really) and have committed to not doing so for as long as I can help it.  Which will probably only be until I’m technically about 38.

I figure that will be about the time that it gets to the point that saying I’m 29 makes me look like I’m delusional to the point of mental compromise.  Until then, I’m just going with it and you will too or so help me.

I know, I get the whole girl-you-need-to-embrace-this speech every year.  And, I really do appreciate your confidence boosting comments and such.  For me though, it’s not about being ashamed of my age or whatever.  For me it’s a frame of mind.

And, in my mind I’m a 17 year old. 

A really tired 17 year old with a husband and some kids and a house to avoid cleaning, who gets really annoyed with people talking in the movie theater. 

Sure, I’m pretty crotchety for a teenager, but I love the heck outta J. Biebs, will challenge any human with legs to a dance off, watch those funny videos of people falling off treadmills until I laugh so hard I pee a little, and take pride in the fact that my car-drives-by-with-a-booming-system. 

I guess my primary beef with this age thingy is that I still don’t feel the way I always thought I would at 34.  I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life (other than being a mom), I still want to hang out and watch movies in my pjs all summer (even if they are all superhero movies and my companions are a gaggle of little Dudes), and I can’t balance a check book to save my life (I really don’t even bother anymore).

When I was 17…

I imagined my 34 year old self to be richer, smarter, talented-er, and a heck of a lot thinner and gorgeous-er. 

So, I guess until I start living the life of Haley Berry the mature, lady goddess I always thought I’d be when I grew up, I’m just not gonna.

Plus, I just have some serious beef with certain parts about aging that seem to be cropping up in my life lately.

My mind says I’m 17, my time consuming responsibilities say I’m a full-fledged 34 year old, while my traitorous body says I’m 53?

I actually hurt my neck looking over my shoulder the other day.  Not even a fast look.  Just a regular, hey-how-you-doin look.

And, I’d really like to know when exactly “the girls” stop being something hot inappropriate like boobies or knockers or tits (is that a bad word?), and become bosom?!

GAG! I literally hate that word when used in reference to my lady parts.

Maybe it’s because of the fact that if I’m hearing the word bosom being thrown around, then I’m probably smack dab in the middle of something I never had to do when I was younger: a bra fitting designed to lift the girls off of my lap and back onto my chest while also managing to disguise the fact that I appear to also have a starter set of, um, bosom, growing on my back.

And then there’s this whole thing about respectful titles for someone my age.  I’m not really for it.

Note to young boys everywhere: young-ish looking moms with cool glasses and hip shoes do NOT want you calling them ma’am. 

Not in a car.  Not in a tree. I don’t like ma’am, sir, can’t you see!

Sure I’m a happily married, Dr. Seuss loving mama, and whatnot, but I am cool if you just want to float a Miss out there when you thank me for that handsome tip I just bribed you with to treat me young gave you when you delivered my pizza.  That ma’am business is entirely overrated and I’d be 100% a-ok if no one ever called me that again.

And while we’re on the subject of incorrect assumptions, I’d like to share a little tidbit about being carded.

When I was 19 21 it was really, really annoying. 

And now?  It virtually never happens to me anymore.

And, if I’m honest, I’m feeling a tad bit stabby about the whole thing.  I mean, if you’re going to put up a sign that says, “We card UNDER 40” and then don’t bother to ask me for ID, don’t be surprised if I’m sorta snatchy with my change and if I don’t bother to apologize when my kid asks me just-loud-enough-that-you-can-hear whether or not you are a boy worker or a girl worker.

I mean, I can’t tell anyway, and I clearly don’t look 40.  

Getting my ID out to prove it is not an inconvenience, it’s an honor!

See?  Even Hallmark agrees with me!

hallmark cards

Thank goodness for the sympathetic greeting card industry and friends and family members who get me enough to know that this is funny.

And this…

menopause

Not quite so much.

Menopause sounds like a horrible way to spend a decade (yeah, it can actually drag on that long!).

And every year as I inch closer to it, I want to eat my weight in cupcakes.  I think I’ll get to that.

Feel free to send me a birthday greeting.  Or wish me a happy day.  Or ask me for ID. 

Just please don’t bother telling me I should embrace my age.

I don’t have time for that noise, I’m going to the mall with boys later…

rocking the car

Have a Wordful Wednesday post to share with me & Seven Clown Circus this week?!  Link away, but not until you check out this week’s featured links:

LIASO_HOR_PMS267

*pBd Admits She Works With These People:  Today’s post was brought to you by my conception and celebratory cupcakes in conjunction with Hallmark as part of their Life is a Special Occasion campaign.  It’s a little ridiculous that the only paper cards I have actually received this week are the ones Hallmark sends me, but at least my friends are awesome at sending me, um, happy birthday texts.  Yeah, they rock.  And thankfully I have Hallmark to ensure I get a nice, handheld, preferable birthday greeting.

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Comments

  1. Thank you for the shoutout! :)

  2. An extremely happy belated birthday! I would swear I’m really only about 21, but nearly 34. I wouldn’t change a moment of it, though…

    LOVE the Hallmark cards ;-)

  3. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! I can’t believe I missed this! Hope you had a great day!

  4. A friend of mine told me about a card she got one year:

    “Happy 29th Birthday! From, Your 110 lb. friend”

    And just for the record, I wouldn’t be 29 again on a bet. MAN was I stupid then! Age may just be a number, but the real reward is when somebody says to me (eventually) “Wow! I can’t believe YOU have FOUR kids” in a way that sounds more like a complement to my overall shape than my rampant fertility and lack of sanity. So far, it hasn’t happened yet, but I have a gym membership, and I’m gonna use it until it does!

    • Oh, and I’ve reverted to not discussing my age. If anyone asks, I’m at LEAST 15. A girl has to have some mystery, right? And since I can’t even go to the bathroom without an audience, my age may as well be it.

  5. I totally get this. Totally.
    I’m 40 {gasp}. and I not only haven’t been carded for a few years, but I absolutely hate being called “maam”. ugh

  6. Would you rather be a pretty you lookin’ 34 or a kind of rode hard 29 (not that you look rode hard)? I’m just wondering. (I’m one of those people that don’t have a problem with age.)

  7. I’m not embracing my age either. All I got for my 33rd birthday was back fat. F that! I think you look very young and hip. And all those little punks who think they’re being so polite by calling you ma’am? So not cool. They’re probably the same ones talking in the movie theater.

  8. Loved, loved this post! :-) Thank you. Happy, happy 29th!!!!

  9. Hope you have a great birthday and that whole laugh until you pee your pants thing? Just think, every year older you will be able to pee your pants just a bit sooner from laughing and sometimes even when you’re not laughing. Am I making you feel any better? Happy Birthday again!!

  10. I hope your birthday is wonderful! I celebrated (well not really celebrated) my 29th birthday back in December- eek – meaning 30 is closer than ever! I have mixed feelings about turning 30. As a kid I felt it was SO OLD, but as I got into my mid-twenties it seemed like your 30’s were more respected or something…like I was too young to KNOW anything. Anyway, 29 is not that bad I guess.. we’ll see how I feel in a few months when 30 rolls around!

  11. The way I look at it is, we are SO rocking this age. I mean we look great and we act amazingly cool. I love telling people my real age because they are SO shocked!

  12. I remember being irritated at having to rifle through my purse for my license that I never put in the same spot (especially when it happened before I was 21 and needed to find the one w/my sister’s name. Ahem). Every now and then some fool will ask for it now, then make me want to crack him over the head w/the bottle I’m buying when he says, “I knew you were over 21 but I didn’t think you were this old.” Seriously?

    Happy belated birthday. May your 5th 29th be the best yet. I am still firmly ensconced in 26. That was the best year EVER.

  13. I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

  14. Puh…wait until you are 45. It has been a rough few months.

  15. Happy 5th 29th Birthday, Amanda! I’ve decided on my next birthday I’m going to start going backwards. I told Princess Nagger I’ll meet her in the middle. ;)

  16. Happy birthday!! Your post made me laugh.

  17. Girl. I feel you. And the CARDING thing!! Ugh!! I never get carded any more. And I always think the same thing as you: holy balls, do I appear over-freaking-FORTY? I mean, I guess that’s not so bad if you ARE forty, but I’m pushing 32 over here.

  18. Happy Birthday – Hope it was fabtastic! I just celebrated my 6th 29th birthday and I swear I don’t know what the hell happened to my chest. It’s like it just gave up on me. Or why finding swimwear that will do some “lifting” seems impossible. Oh, and seriously, I really CAN”T believe you don’t get carded. For real?!?!

  19. Happy Birthday! Tauruses Rule!
    The next time some teenager punk calls me ma’am I’m going to kick him in the shins.

  20. Just wait until you’re scaring the crap out of forty like I am…Love your school pics, and your boys are adorable!

  21. Happy, happy birthday to you. I hope you felt extra special in your chaos of a normal day yesterday. Your an amazing person! I am loving that old school picture.

  22. I hope your birthday was fabulous. I don’t even remember 29 or 34. What day is it?

  23. Oh, do I feel your pain. Every time I find myself complaining about getting older/being older, I hear Oprah in the back of my mind saying, “Be your number! Embrace it! Don’t be ashamed!” Who even listens to Oprah?! Ugh.

    Happy, Happy Birthday! You know you don’t look anywhere near 29, right? Like, you still look card-able. Surrious. ;-)

  24. Happy Birthday!! I want to eat my weight in cupcakes too on a regular day, never mind think about my age (I’ll be 36!).

  25. Karly @ Three in Three says:

    Gosh, it seems like it’s everyone’s birthday right now! Happy Birthday! My middle girl turned 2 on Sunday and my youngest turns 1 on Thursday!

  26. Happy 5th 29th birthday, Amanda! You get gorgeous-er and talented-er every single week. ;)

  27. Happy birthday! I totally know what you mean. I thought that I would be this confident woman, who always had the answers to everything, always made the right decision and never second guessed herself. I don’t know if we ever reach that point in our lives. *sigh*

    P.S. I’d watch movies all day in my PJs with you, even superhero movies. Our little dudes could hang together too I suppose.

  28. Cracked up all through this! So funny! Wishing you a happy, happy birthday, despite the numbers!

  29. Happy birthday, hot mama! xo

  30. It’s nice to read someone else’s thoughts about turning 38, I have 16 days left I don’t know why it seems like such a big deal, turning 37 wasn’t so bad and my kids love me at any age…..and Happy Birthday, Miss! You look fabulous!

  31. Happy birthday my beautiful daughter. I will always think of you as 3 years old and how it felt when you would climb into my lap, throw your tiny arms around my neck and say “I love you mommy”.
    I love you.

  32. I hope your 29th birthday was awesome….and I’ll need to see some ID, please.

    I think I’m still about 20….just wish there was some college fun to go along with it…not all the time, just once and while.

  33. Wow! You are so more mature than I am. I’m (on a good day) 12, maybe 13.

    I’m actually 38 (I think… I never can remember), it’s not too bad. Especially since mentally I’m only 12 or on a good day 13.

    Happy birthday Amanda!

  34. Well I hope that you had a wonderful birthday and got some equally wonderful shoes for gifts!

    This year is my absolute last even birthday so I plan on making it a good one!