It’s that time of year America: swimsuit season.
I know, I shoulda been prepared by now. Done some sort of starve-myself-silly-cleansing-raw-tasteless diet or something to get bikini ready for the season.
Only, I’ve come to the unfortunate conclusion that, no matter how many months I go without cupcakes there are certain elements of my anatomy that are stretched too baggy and too blown up to ever even be considered bikini bangin’ again.
So, no need to torture myself.
It’s ironic though, because I recall that once I celebrated my 16th birthday I pretty much swore off the one piece swimsuit and it’s one-piece like cousin, the tankini, entirely.
My mom had finally stopped making me swim like a 10 year old and I swore I’d never go back there. I was just starting to realize that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard I had an adorable little figure, and no way was I trying to rock a bunk looking Mom-Suit.
I didn’t do anything crazy (I was all about the boy-cut shorts and hater tops), but I definitely wasn’t down with the one piece.
It is now the case in my life that, barring the opportunity to get a pain-free, risk-free, money-free tummy tuck drops into my lap, the craziest I’m ever going to get near water is Tankini Crazy. Because, quite frankly, y’all ain’t even ready for this jelly. No one is really.
I realize that in some circles tankini crazy is not even considered remotely cool but, in my mom circle, it’s not too shabby.
Especially if you pair it with a fun hat, and some super funky flip flops, and a huge bag that you can pack with all manner of water toys, sunblock, and random kid-approved snackage but still not look entirely pack mule-ish.
Sounds like a winning way to sweat your face off poolside to me!
One pieces don’t have to be hideous either.
Find the right shape and the right color with the right style and you’re in there like swimwear. Literally.
I’m never going to be completely comfortable in a swimsuit again. I’ve accepted this as a fact of life.
So am I beach ready?
As ready as I’ll ever be since I can at least rest assured that I may not be turning heads with my hotness, but I am going to be wearing something appropriately stylish, and mom-functional, that won’t result in a life altering wardrobe malfunction my kids won’t ever be able to live down.
5 Cute Swimsuits for Chicks with a Gut (and hips that don’t lie)…
Need some tips to help you pick? Here are mine:
5 Tips for Picking a Swimsuit if You’re Boobilicious, Bootylicous, and Tummylicious Too
1. Wrap tops. It’s a good style for many of us with a lot up top because it provides higher coverage to prevent spillage, and somehow that wrappy-ness also seems to minimize. I’m all about reducing spillage and looking deceptively smaller.
2. Underwire. Don’t play games top heavy mamas, it is a must.
3. Bunching. It confuses the eye, like a magician. I have one with the bunching, the ruching, and the built in Spanx. It is my happy suit. And I wear it whenever I don’t plan to get wet or need to breathe deeply to actually swim.
4. Texture. And color. And witchcraft and wizardry. And anything else you can use to trick the eye of the judgy bystanders.
5. Confidence. That’s what this is mostly all about. I say, shake what your mama gave you wear what makes you FEEL like you look good and you’ll wind up looking perfect.
Have you bought your summer suit yet?!
I’m glad we don’t have a pool to go to. Makes it a lot easier.
We’ve been to the pool and the lake multiple times already this summer and I have yet to actually get into my suit! So happy The Dudes are solo swimming age!
Lol. I hate bathing suits. They should be outlawed. And people really need to wear the underwire!
It’s amazing how many people skip the underwire in every day life. I know underwire isn’t super comfy, but flopping all over the place can’t be either, can it?
: ) I love the title.
You always make me smile.
Thanks! Seeing Kaishon’s little face on my blog always makes me smile too!
“chicks with a gut” – dude, you kill me! :)
Just keeping it real!
I remember saying to my boyfriend, who, bless his heart, said he can’t wait to see me in a bikini, that the bikini ship has long sailed. Loving your choices!
Yeah, I’d require a surgical body overhaul to get on the bikini ship again. It’s just not gonna happen.
No, I haven’t gotten mine yet. I just barely recovered from the shopping trip in which I paid an unreal amount of money for my daughters’ suits. Glory.
Mr. S’s office picnic is tonight. At the boss’s house on the lake. I will be meeting ALL of these people for the first time.
That Turquoise suit on the lower right is pretty cute.
I always buy Lands End suits. They are pricey (but often on sale), but they are the BEST suits I’ve found. They are a thicker material, so they don’t hug every last roll on your body.
I bought a super cute tankini this year with a flirty mini skirt. I never thought I would wear a skirt, but I love it. No need for a cover-up.
I actually just had to send my Land’s End suit back. Not sure why I thought the bikini with cami look was actually gonna work for me. It didn’t. Not even remotely.
I’m with you on the Land’s End coverage. They’re great for baby wrangling in the water. On another note, the Today show just did a segment yesterday on a girl who is plus sized and rockin’ the two piece. I have to say, she looked fabulous, but mostly it was because her whole attitude rocked. Her suit looked comfortable, and had the coverage she needed, and her smile would light up Times Square. We should all be so confident!
“Don’t play games top heavy mamas” ahahahahahahahaha.
And no. I haven’t purchased a suit. But I bought a cover-up. Found out last weekend that it just looks like I’m wearing a muumuu. Bummer.
I’m actually really embarrassed to put on a bathing suit this year. I lost so much weight while waiting months for my gallbladder to be removed that I look like a walking bag of bones.
Seriously.
People have asked me if I’m annorexic.
Jerk faces.
But I do love the brown ensemble.
PS. I will take anyone’s boobs right about now.
You know, I think I want to accuse her of discrimination just like I do all the magazines for not showing suits for the boobless, bootydeficient, quarter of tummylicious but it’s a pooch nonetheless havers. I’ve gotten the anorexic question too (often, actually). Well, that or in high school when I was asked if I was on crack. THAT WAS FUN AS A TENTH GRADER. I fail to see how doctors have not yet found a way to remove the tissue from those wanting less boob and put it into my nonboobs without the tissue trying to kill me. Seriously. Come on, science.
Yeah, people should stop judging one way or the other. Everyone thinks they can say anything to skinny people. If you wouldn’t go up to a heavy chick and say you are so fat you probably should go up to a skinny chick and say dude, you’re so skinny. Same thing. And, I’d gladly give you some of my belly fat to make into boobs. Medical science can probably accomplish something like that.
I just offered up my belly fat for someone to have bigger boobs. That’s what medical science should be working on.
I fall into all of the -licious categories! It makes finding a suit nearly impossible, but I have hope after seeing these selections. Thanks for making me giggle… I’ll be thinking about this post on my next bathing suit shopping trip!
Dana
Blingerz Community Manager
My problem is that I’m disproportionately -alicious. Like more booblicious and bellilicious than bootylicious. That’s no fun.
Oh gosh do I have to think about this already? I’m moving to the Arctic Circle.
We’ve been to the beach and lake at least 8 times already. There’s no escaping it for me. It says something though that I’d rather put myself in a bathing suit in public then stay home with my kids all day.
Perfect–you’ve infused humor to a topic that can be anything but fun. Thanks for these great tips. I’m stopping by from the Fashion Friday linky.
Nicole
http://www.momtrends.com/2012/05/maxi-skirts/
this is an AWESOME post. this was the first year that i caved and finally got a one-piece… i thought getting a one-piece that was flattering would make me seem old, but in fact I LOVE IT and i get so many compliments on my swim suit!
One piece suiting is not even a choice for me at this point. NOT wearing a one piece would make me look mentally unstable. That’s never a good look.
I thought for sure that you were going to share a picture of yourself rockin’ the tankini! and just for the record- I am all about the coverup!