It’s that time of year America: swimsuit season.
I know, I shoulda been prepared by now. Done some sort of starve-myself-silly-cleansing-raw-tasteless diet or something to get bikini ready for the season.
Only, I’ve come to the unfortunate conclusion that, no matter how many months I go without cupcakes there are certain elements of my anatomy that are stretched too baggy and too blown up to ever even be considered bikini bangin’ again.
So, no need to torture myself.
It’s ironic though, because I recall that once I celebrated my 16th birthday I pretty much swore off the one piece swimsuit and it’s one-piece like cousin, the tankini, entirely.
My mom had finally stopped making me swim like a 10 year old and I swore I’d never go back there. I was just starting to realize that
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard I had an adorable little figure, and no way was I trying to rock a bunk looking Mom-Suit.
I didn’t do anything crazy (I was all about the boy-cut shorts and hater tops), but I definitely wasn’t down with the one piece.
It is now the case in my life that, barring the opportunity to get a pain-free, risk-free, money-free tummy tuck drops into my lap, the craziest I’m ever going to get near water is Tankini Crazy. Because, quite frankly, y’all ain’t even ready for this jelly. No one is really.
I realize that in some circles tankini crazy is not even considered remotely cool but, in my mom circle, it’s not too shabby.
Especially if you pair it with a fun hat, and some super funky flip flops, and a huge bag that you can pack with all manner of water toys, sunblock, and random kid-approved snackage but still not look entirely pack mule-ish.
Sounds like a winning way to sweat your face off poolside to me!
One pieces don’t have to be hideous either.
Find the right shape and the right color with the right style and you’re in there like swimwear. Literally.
I’m never going to be completely comfortable in a swimsuit again. I’ve accepted this as a fact of life.
So am I beach ready?
As ready as I’ll ever be since I can at least rest assured that I may not be turning heads with my hotness, but I am going to be wearing something appropriately stylish, and mom-functional, that won’t result in a life altering wardrobe malfunction my kids won’t ever be able to live down.
5 Cute Swimsuits for Chicks with a Gut (and hips that don’t lie)…
Need some tips to help you pick? Here are mine:
5 Tips for Picking a Swimsuit if You’re Boobilicious, Bootylicous, and Tummylicious Too
1. Wrap tops. It’s a good style for many of us with a lot up top because it provides higher coverage to prevent spillage, and somehow that wrappy-ness also seems to minimize. I’m all about reducing spillage and looking deceptively smaller.
2. Underwire. Don’t play games top heavy mamas, it is a must.
3. Bunching. It confuses the eye, like a magician. I have one with the bunching, the ruching, and the built in Spanx. It is my happy suit. And I wear it whenever I don’t plan to get wet or need to breathe deeply to actually swim.
4. Texture. And color. And witchcraft and wizardry. And anything else you can use to trick the eye of the judgy bystanders.
5. Confidence. That’s what this is mostly all about. I say,
shake what your mama gave you wear what makes you FEEL like you look good and you’ll wind up looking perfect.
Have you bought your summer suit yet?!