Dumb Mom’s Guide to Miami, Florida with Kids.

If you follow me on Instagram (@dumbmom if you want to be down), you probably already know that I spent last week living la vida loca in Miami.

Beautiful city.

Tons of stuff to do.

But, not nearly as Miami Vice-y as I expected.

I only saw like two guys shirtless in white suits and with matching loafers and this guy…

to even substantiate that stereotype.  And, if I’m honest, he was a little more Jersey Shore-y than Miami Vice-y.

Is it bad to admit that I’m a teeny-bit disappointed that I didn’t witness even one speed boat drug bust?

Probably.

But, I sorta am.

I know I went to learn about how Miami can be awesome for kid owners and such, but my inner Mom Gangsta really wanted to see someone get capped picked up by the 5.0.  In a high speed chase.  Involving a speed boat.  And cocaine.  Loads f it.  Being flung into the sea by crappily dressed drug dealers.

Agh, don’t listen to me.

Anyway, when out-of-state-ers with kids think about taking a trip to Florida, they are generally only considering one place. 

After my five day Miami adventure I can say that Miami is almost as fun. 

Okay, total lie.  And, thanks to fantastic marketing and years of brainwashing by the man to convince you that the happiest place on earth is really in Orlando.

But, still.

The hotels are amazing (I stayed at the Loews and the Biltmore and both were beyond perfection).  The food was delicious (the Biltmore brunch?  Insanity!).  The Mai Tais are ludicrous (and by ludicrous I mean they are tasty and served in bowls glasses so big you could swim in them).  And the beach is the perfect temperature even as we enter the fall season.

So I say you go, but totally  not before you read my guide.

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Rockin’ Miami (or, I’m Pretty Sure They Pay Cabana Boys & Random Citizens to Make You Feel Hot and Awkward)

1.  Stay at a nice hotel.  I don’t know what the seedier parts of the city have to offer, but South Beach is awesome.  Like, the entire time you are there you actually believe that you are rich and possibly famous just because everything and everyone around you totally is.  I mean, get a load of this swimming pool people…

2.  Hit the Beach.  I am not a swimmer.  I can swim, I just don’t like it.  And, heading to the beach alone for a romp in the surf is just not my idea of a good time.  As a matter of fact, it’s a shark attack waiting to happen.  But, I couldn’t very well go to Miami for 5 days and not even dip my toes in the water.  So I did…

But, not before a teenager (I’m pretty sure I technically could’ve given birth to him) tried to date me.  Like, he sent his even-younger-than-he-was friend to chase me down as I sweated my way down the beach to ask if he could talk to me.  His exact words?  “Um, my friend wants to know if he could talk to you and like exchange numbers or something for a few minutes?”  My exact words?   “Um, no thank you?”  I said it just like that.  Like a question.  We were both confused.  But at least it got rid of him.  And kept me out of jail.  I’m certain the Miami jail is the exact place Crockett and Tubs wouldn’t want me to be.

3.  Get your grub on.  Seriously, for all of the skinny, scantily clad possible-chicks-but-could-actually-be-dudes I spotted in Miami, there was an equally exciting eating establishment to enjoy.  It is amazing that people can remain so slim while all of this yummy is waiting to be discovered.  Probably it’s for us tourists, and probably they like to barf after they eat.  Either way, I say if you, normal people of the world, head to Miami for a weekend some time soon, you should consider eating here: The Rusty Pelican, Rosa Mexicano, and Jaguar Ceviche Spoon Bar.

 

4.  Shop til you drop.  Which, if you wear some of the footwear available in the upscale, trendy Miami boutiques, it won’t be three city blocks before you drop.  Straight to your knees so you can crawl back to your hotel.  Best bet?  Rock your own sensible (but uber cute) flats, and snag yourself a cute bag or a sweet dress to wear when you hit the town.

5.  Bring your kids!  I know, totally goes against most of what you know about Miami.  But that’s because you don’t know about the awesomeness of the Miami Children’s Museum.  Or that the Miami Seaquarium has a program that allows you to go under the sea or swim with dolphins.  I got to enjoy so many things that didn’t involve drinking and flashing people on South Beach that I know The Dudes would totally enjoy.

Want to learn more about what the city of Miami has to offer?  Visit Greater Miami and The Beaches!