I could probably write a book simply featuring all of the ways my children have publicly humiliated me. You all would laugh, and I’d likely be rich. Or at least famous.
And judged harshly in formerly polite company.
Fortunately, as The Dudes age, these instances seem to be occurring less frequently. Great for me because I’d had just about enough of people thinking I was the world’s most sucktastic mom ever, just because my kid didn’t know that a lady in a burka wasn’t also a silent assassin with amazing flexibility and cat like reflexes.
I guess, because it had been awhile, and I was starting to get lackadaisical in my outside-the-home dealings with them, they figured I was in need of a good public shaming. Something memorable. Maybe something that would get some crowd participation in the form of texting about it to friends.
To ensure this, they decided to pop things off at a local eatery, where people I know eat and work. And, as a special, evil-flavored icing on that cake it happened on a day that the in-laws were in town. You know, so they could experience the magic too.
To think, everything was going so well. #2 had just won a football game, no one was fighting, everyone was happily enjoying their Panera soup. I was having the broccoli cheese one I like. You know the one in the bread bowl? With the extra bread on the side? For carb loading happiness? Yeah, that one.
Things started to get a little silly as The Dudes finished their meals.
They were playing with each other a little; having a nice time interacting with their grandparents.
When #3 yells, “GIVE ME BACK MY PENIS!”
In a room filled with people. And. My. IN-LAWS.
All of whom suddenly remembered they needed to stop talking and stare at me and my potty mouthed child.
I don’t know why he yelled it, it was a Freudian slip I believe (he had been saying give me back my nose, nose sounds like penis? Don’t ask me, I am clueless), but at that moment I couldn’t even care.
I considered running from the room. I considered putting him in a sleeper hold and passing him out. I considered so many things that I ultimately didn’t actually do.
Instead I did the same thing I always do when I am placed in an uncomfortable situation: I laughed. So hard I cried.
Probably the worst parenting move EVER, but the only one that I could come up with that wouldn’t have wound me up in the clinker. Or, with a bread bowl full of puke.
Taking care of me first, people, making grown-up choices second, obviously.
In an effort to not feel like mom to the most ridiculous band of brothers on the planet, I asked some of my Facebook homies to share their most embarrassing mom moments.
Guess what? I am NOT alone, there were, in fact, so many I couldn’t even post them all here! You’ll have to pop over to the pBd Facebook page to peep the rest.
Embarrassing Mom Moments, You Are NOT Alone
Rita from Fighting Off Frumpy: When my oldest son Colin was barely four, we were at a restaurant and a server started clearing the booth behind ours. I couldn’t tell if it was a male or a female … but of course I kept that to myself. Colin, however, turned around in his seat and was all, “Do you have a penis?” The server didn’t answer, and I’m hoping it was because he/she didn’t hear, but who knows? I wanted to crawl under the table!
Andrea from Lil Kid Things: The other night dinner my 3 year old told his dad (at top 3 year old volume) Dada, you’re SO old that your hair is ALL gray! …The whole restaurant gasped as we tried not to laugh because we had been doing these types of jokes at home. Didn’t really think that one through.
Motherhood Decent Into Madness: Mistakenly took my 4-year-old son in the bathroom with me and he spotted my below-belly button tattoo, then suddenly announced very loudly, “Mom, that’s your PENIS!” The lady in the stall next to me started cracking up as I attempted to explain by saying “It’s a tattoo. You have a penis; I do NOT.” He misunderstood, thought I was talking about the tattoo, and yelled, “NO, I DON’T.” Oh my God… child, let’s just stop talking about it, thanks.
Robin at Not Ever Still: My second daughter- the one who threw a tantrum for you when you were photographing them and you chased her all over the yard to get a pic of her- was mad that I wouldn’t buy her a bag of jelly beans in an airport a year ago. So she ran away, back the way we came, ducking under stanchions and out through security. I couldn’t chase her because I couldn’t get back out to the public side and guards were trying to grab her, yelling “shut it down.” I tried to get her back and she was so mad at me she yelled “You’re not my mommy!” and then the guards didn’t know if they should release her to me. Good time, thanks for letting me relive it :)
Read the rest of the embarrassing mom moments contributed by pBd fans on the Facebook page!
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