That’s me screaming.
I haven’t been able to stop since I visited Costco Friday morning when the first reports of Frankenstorm were beginning to make their way to the DC Metro area.
I’m pretty sure people actually ditched work to go to Costco and stock up on batteries, water, and toilet paper (because seriously, what if you get a mean case of mud butt during the storm and you run out of the stuff?!).
It was a mad house in there and I came thiiiiisss close to being disemboweled by a speeding shopping cart driven by an elderly lady in a panic.
Target on Saturday was even worse. Pandemonium. They actually didn’t even have any toilet paper.
And, I get it, you immediately become a hoarder when faced with danger. It’s the natural human response I guess.
But, what always baffles me is, why do people wait until there is a possible threat of this nature to stock up on things you should have in your home already.
I find it hard to believe that you don’t own a flashlight. Especially because I’m pretty sure that I saw you getting buck in this exact same aisle during Snowpacalypse.
Note: I don’t like living on the East Coast, but I have to hand it to them, they have amazingly entertaining names for really bad weather systems.
So, what happened between now and then? Did you lose your flashlight? Sell it on eBay when the threat of imminent disaster moved off? You can’t possibly suddenly need 6 more, can you?
And what is it with toilet paper?
We went to the store amidst the chaos only because we were afraid to not go it was our normal shopping Friday and we were clean out of standard items like milk and cereal and cupcake mix fresh veggies.
But, we didn’t go to hoard stock pile cans of tuna and astronaut pellets.
We’re prepared, now and always, and you should be to…
Dumb Mom’s Guide to Hurricane Preparedness: 10 Things You Can Do So You and Your Kids Don’t Lose Your Minds During the BIGGEST STORM TO EVER HIT THE UNITED STATES EVER
1. Charge your stuff. Yes, the power could go out, and yes, sitting around for twelve four days without TV is maybe the least of your concerns. But, it’s probably gonna be tops on the things-that-suck-about-this-hurricane list for your kids. Especially since it’s actually not going to be safe to send them outside for a play. Flying lawn chairs and all that.
2. Get a phone with a cord. This is where I’m all ooooh-in-your-face-non-landline-owners, because when cell phones die and service tower thingys get blown to smithereens, I can always pull out my fancy schamansy corded phone, plug it into the jack, and call, um, to like check the time or whatever.
3. Get your bake on. Because what better way to enjoy a can’t-leave-the-house-for-fear-of-certain-death day than to stay inside, huddled in your door frame for safety cuddled up under a blanket, with a nice piece of home baked bread to munch on? We’ve made cookies, banana bread, and cinnamon rolls already. I’m not eating any of it unless the power really goes out in here, at which point, all bets are off. Otherwise, I don’t want to throw away my weight loss if I’m gonna survive this storm; I’d like to come out of it slightly thinner even.
4. Gas your cars and stuff your mattresses with cash. Kidding. Sort of. You should have some cash on hand in the event that widespread power outages make it difficult for you to get cash from ATMs. Although, when that happens, I’m not sure what it is you’re out in the dark city streets buying? And, everyone knows you don’t need cash at looting parties. But totally gas your cars. Because, lets say you really just can’t take another day in your freezing house with your stir crazy kids without going all Jack-Nicholson-Shining on somebody, and you decide to do the one thing that makes sense: pack everyone up and drive until you see a working iHop. You may have to also go quite a ways before you run across a working gas station. Better to be safe and stuffed with Rooty Tooty Fresh N’ Fruity than stranded on the side of the road and hungry.
5. Stock your first aid kits. Although, I’m thinking that, while your likelihood of sustaining an injury from a falling tree branch or a flying cow may go way up, your need for Band-Aids doesn’t necessarily increase during a hurricane. Injuries sustained from being bludgeoned by a cow are probably outside the realm of what a common first aid kit can handle, but by all means, better safe than sorry.
6. Don’t forget that can opener.
7. Have an evacuation plan. Ours starts and ends with grab a kid and run, but you may want to get something slightly more detailed to ensure success.
8. Don’t forget the dog. We’re planning to just let Dumb Dog free so that she can save us. We’re hoping she won’t hold the fact that I dressed her in a tutu for her holiday pictures against us. We have read up on these actually-useful what to do with a pet during a hurricane tips though just in case.
9. Talk to your kids. You are busy running around town in a full on panic, so imagine what your kids must be thinking. Be sure you take a few minutes out of your harried buy-everything-in-sight schedule to have a chat with your little people about what’s happening, why mommy and daddy are freaking the freak out, and why they shouldn’t. Then, be sure you go over a just-in-case-this-gets-real game plan with them so everyone knows what to do in order to stay safe.
10. Do. NOT. Panic. I know, it’s too late. But, the most important thing to remember in the face of danger is to not panic. People make horrible decisions when they panic and it never helps. Keep a level head, eat a cupcake take a deep breath, and act. Some people deep breathe, some people eat cupcakes; whatever works to keep you focused and safe.
I am taking a couple of days off to like, prepare for the hurricane and stuff because it’s the perfect excuse to, but I’ll check in periodically on Facebook (thank you to my borrowed, sweet Toyota Camry that lets me charge my phone even in the midst of a hurricane) if possible to let you all know if I’ve broken the glass on the cinnamon rolls how things are going and to make sure none of you need me to swim over and save you!