As if that’s even possible.
As if me, stumbling through Zumba, sweat dripping from every pore on my body, while smelling vaguely like a beast of burden has any chance of looking good.
But, since I’ve decide that I maybe need to think about the possibility of spending a bit of time perhaps considering the idea of working out, I also need to consider what one would wear while endeavoring to actually perform such an activity.
I’ve lost ten pounds without doing anything more than
basically starving myself following the Weight Watchers plan to a tee.
But, I figure, if I add in a little cardio of some sort maybe pick up a weight heavier than my coffee cup, I might be able to enjoy a cupcake every now and again?
That’s how this whole things works, right?
Burn more calories than you take in; shed pounds like a boss.
That means I could, on occasion, enjoy a cookie or 4 without wanting to drown myself in my toilet!
Motivating! At least enough that I decided to check out some appropriate workout attire.
I certainly have “workout wear”, more commonly known as yoga pants, in my clothing arsenal, but these are not the sort that have up until now or will ever in the future likely have the opportunity to wrap themselves around my buttocks while said buttocks are engaged in performing yoga. Or, yoga like activities. Because not only have I already determined that me and yoga don’t really see eye to eye (I tried it and all of the deep breathing made me hyperventilate to the point of light headedness; I’m pretty sure I passed out at the end, or just went to sleep), but also it’s just not cool to wear crotchless yoga pants in public. And, before you ask, no, they don’t make those. These are a DIY pair made entirely from years of my thighs putting in work on the fabric between them.
And yes, I really do only have one pair of yoga pants because we all know what happens when I wear yoga pants.
So, I’ve been doing some research, and here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. People don’t workout in Converse anymore. And, frankly, I don’t see how people actually got down like that in the 70s. Cute as the are, they have zero arch support. Also out, those nondescript Reeboks Jane Fonda made famous (they are just ugly), and these wedge sneakers that are popping up all over town (they are for, um, I’m not entirely sure what they are for)…
You need something more like this…
2. Workout clothing costs as much as, if not more than, regular, looking-cute clothing. Not sure why sweat wicking material has to cost more than silk, but it does? According to Nike anyway.
3. You need a bra. Maybe even two. Because the girls go to work when I start jumping around and working up a sweat and someone (aka my own face and that of the unfortunate person on the neighboring treadmill) could be severely injured if they aren’t tethered appropriately to my person. If you’re, um, blessed in that area, look into something like this…
4. Spanx makes
a men’s line? *workout attire. They call it Spanx Active. I’ve not had the opportunity to test their brand of active wear out yet but, if it fits anything like the high waisted body tunic I wrap myself in to hit up a work function, there is no way I can work out in it. Because I need to be able to gasp breathe when I work out, preferably deeply and possibly quickly. Those are things I can’t accomplish in my current Spanx. I can’t even bend at the waist or drink more than 6 ounces of water in the pair I own. Just wearing them for an extended period of time makes me lightheaded (not sure if that’s from lack of food intake or because they’re too tight). However, there is some merit to looking like you come to the gym because you like to, (not because you need to) and Spanx could probably help me pull that farce off.
5. Shopping for active wear is nowhere near as exciting as shopping for purses or cute shoes or wall art or dining chairs or pretty much anything. It’s only slightly more enjoyable than shopping for a new gyno. But, if you know you are going to buy a sweet new gym bag and maybe a fuzzy jacket that doesn’t make you look like a mama sheep, then probably you can have a little fun with it. I know I did…
Now, that I know I’m not going to have to show up looking like a hobo, share your favorite (and most effective) workouts with me. What videos don’t make you want to shoot yourself? Which classes can someone lacking coordination actually make it through without injuring herself and/or shaming her family (I’m pretty sure Zumba is never gonna happen)? Should I just go ahead and sign up for one of those swim aerobics classes the old ladies love on at the gym?!
*And, Spanx really does make clothing for men. I can’t imagine why I’d want to catch my husband in my Spanx, but apparently some Dudes like it.