This week I was planning on sharing a post about our last days of summer.
Pictures of the rodeo and a really awesome night at the drag race track with Mimi and Papa, The Dudes, and some friends were on the agenda (don’t worry, I’ll give it to you next week).
Only I can’t.
Because of this…
And, I need to talk about this kindergarten thing instead.
And how I can’t breathe while I sit here in this silent house with only the dog to stare at me (why is she staring at me?).
The anxiety is stuck in my throat. Right at that part where you can still mostly breathe, but can’t really swallow.
Being here, without any of them, is uncomfortable.
This is not what I expected.
I knew, of course, that it would be hard. But like, not THIS hard.
I expected sadness. I expected to cry. The moment the bus pulled away.
But, I also expected to be excited. I sorta looked forward to having time to focus on work and to do things I have essentially neglected the past 12 years this summer. I was going to sell more stuff on eBay, clean out drawers and pack a bag for ThreadUp, organize the playroom, meal plan, donate the 13 boxes lining my living room to Goodwill, and exercise.
Lots and lots of exercise. To offset the cookies I would eat at my counter without hiding in my pantry from my kids!
Few things I had planned got accomplished (or even started) today.
I made it to the gym (because my sweat could hide my tears), and I spent the remainer of the day jamming Biscoff cookies (seriously, they are like cookie crack, don’t buy them, they will end your weight loss) in my pie hole and crying to my mother about how hard this is. And, how I wish I had another baby. And how worried I am about #3 (he had strep throat again this weekend so I was already a mess, and then he was so, so brave getting on that bus, but I could see the fear in his eyes, just like I could feel it in my heart). And how my life has no direction or meaning or anything.
As someone who gave up a career over 10 years ago to be a mother this feels wrong. I wasn’t done with mothering. I still need them the exact same way I did before, even though they’re pretty much over me.
So THIS is what getting dumped feels like (never happened people, I was an AMAZING girlfriend)!
And I know, they still need me and love me and want me and all of that. I will always be their mama and no one can ever take that away from me. All of that rational talk is in my head, but it’s being beaten senseless by the irrational emotions generated by the gaping hole their absence has left in my heart. And drama. Always so much drama.
I just wasn’t ready.
I’m still not ready.
I miss my baby.
I’m going to clean out my playroom.
Link up your posts, visit my co-host at Seven Clown Circus., and check out our featured linkers, they’re awesome too. And way less depressing than I am today.
This week seemed like a lot of traveling going on as people try to squeak out some fun these last few weeks of summer. We got to experience Chicago with Down Home Traveler. We hit Virginia Beach with the Stavish Clan. And we also checked out some of the temples of Utah with Better in Bulk.
Sharing with Things I Can’t Say and Pour Your Hear Out.
THIS WEEK’S WORDFUL WEDNESDAY LINK IS HERE: WORDFUL WEDNESDAY 8/28