Wordful Wednesday. My Baby Left Me & I Wasn’t Ready.

This week I was planning on sharing a post about our last days of summer.

Pictures of the rodeo and a really awesome night at the drag race track with Mimi and Papa, The Dudes, and some friends were on the agenda (don’t worry, I’ll give it to you next week).

Only I can’t.

Because of this…

back to school 2013

And, I need to talk about this kindergarten thing instead.

And how I can’t breathe while I sit here in this silent house with only the dog to stare at me (why is she staring at me?).

The anxiety is stuck in my throat.  Right at that part where you can still mostly breathe, but can’t really swallow.

It’s uncomfortable.

Being here, without any of them, is uncomfortable.

This is not what I expected.

I knew, of course, that it would be hard.  But like, not THIS hard.

I expected sadness.  I expected to cry.  The moment the bus pulled away.

But, I also expected to be excited.  I sorta looked forward to having time to focus on work and to do things I have essentially neglected the past 12 years this summer.  I was going to sell more stuff on eBay, clean out drawers and pack a bag for ThreadUp, organize the playroom, meal plan, donate the 13 boxes lining my living room to Goodwill, and exercise.

Lots and lots of exercise.  To offset the cookies I would eat at my counter without hiding in my pantry from my kids!

Few things I had planned got accomplished (or even started) today.

I made it to the gym (because my sweat could hide my tears), and I spent the remainer of the day jamming Biscoff cookies (seriously, they are like cookie crack, don’t buy them, they will end your weight loss) in my pie hole and crying to my mother about how hard this is.  And, how I wish I had another baby. And how worried I am about #3 (he had strep throat again this weekend so I was already a mess, and then he was so, so brave getting on that bus, but I could see the fear in his eyes, just like I could feel it in my heart).  And how my life has no direction or meaning or anything.

As someone who gave up a career over 10 years ago to be a mother this feels wrong.  I wasn’t done with mothering.  I still need them the exact same way I did before, even though they’re pretty much over me.

So THIS is what getting dumped feels like (never happened people, I was an AMAZING girlfriend)!

And I know, they still need me and love me and want me and all of that.  I will always be their mama and no one can ever take that away from me.  All of that rational talk is in my head, but it’s being beaten senseless by the irrational emotions generated by the gaping hole their absence has left in my heart.  And drama.  Always so much drama.

I just wasn’t ready.

I’m still not ready.

I miss my baby.

first 5 years

I’m going to clean out my playroom.

Link up your posts, visit my co-host at Seven Clown Circus., and check out our featured linkers, they’re awesome too.  And way less depressing than I am today.

ww aug 20

This week seemed like a lot of traveling going on as people try to squeak out some fun these last few weeks of summer.  We got to experience Chicago with Down Home Traveler.  We hit Virginia Beach with the Stavish Clan.  And we also checked out some of the temples of Utah with Better in Bulk.

Sharing with Things I Can’t Say and Pour Your Hear Out.

THIS WEEK’S WORDFUL WEDNESDAY LINK IS HERE: WORDFUL WEDNESDAY 8/28

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Comments

  1. We are SO on the same page!! Minus the sad part because to be honest, Kainoa was supposed to go into Kindergarten last year, but I held him back and we’re both very much ready for him to hit the books. But I feel you on the “another baby” thing for sure. I’m not ready to be a mom of “older kids”. And I also have the playroom on my list of things to tackle now that I don’t have kids breathing down my neck about the favorite toys I’m going to toss. :)

  2. I’ve not yet had to send my baby to “real school,” but he goes to daycare every day, and I remember that feeling, leaving him and being without him–like my heart was carved out. You’ll find your way, just as you did before!

  3. Awwww, what a cutie! It’s fun and heartbreaking at the same time watching your children grow up. You enjoy every moment of it but are overwhelmed with sadness when you realize that each passing day brings them closer to the day they are grown and off on their own. I was so sad when my youngest (and my last) was being weaned from my nursing him. I knew I would never feel that bond again. :-(

  4. My house always feels too quiet when my son isn’t home. We have a few years till Kindergarten thankfully. Good luck .

  5. JanetGoingCrazy says:

    Exactly! I’m a work outside the home mom so my boy has been going to daycare since he was 2 months old, but dropping him off at Kindergarten was NOT the same!

  6. Ok. I kind of just cried with you a little. Hopefully, it’ll feel easier soon and you’ll be able to (happily) get all those things accomplished.

    Stopping in from PYHO

  7. I’ll be there next year with my youngest. He’ll be at kinder-prep 5 days a week, but only half days. And it’s not a big deal if something happens and he doesn’t go. I know it’s a different world than kindergarten will be. He is technically old enough to be in kindergarten this year(though he’d be one of the youngest) and when I walked by the kindergarten rooms as I was dropping off my other boys, I looked in and realized I would most likely panic next year.

    Hang in there, mama!

  8. Awww Amanda! This was so sad and sweet. I still have two more years before I send my tiny one off to kindergarten and I keep thinking of how great it will be. This I remember sending my first born off to school for the first time. It was difficult; way more than I thought it would be. You’ll get your bearings and it will get easier. But for now, cry into your cookies. It’s OK :).

  9. Beautiful photos, and so, so true! May you and your child have a great school year with lots of new kinds of memories to cherish!

  10. The only, only, ONLY advantage I have on Monday is that I get to come to the office. No way could I go back to an empty house. So I so feel your pain. (And I swear I thought our two were starting the same day.)

  11. You’re going to be okay. I super promise. And it sucks, for sure. But you’ll find lots of things to do. And if you ever need a recommendation for TV shows I’m 100% you’re gal.

  12. Oh girl I am so sorry- I felt funny the first day and I still have one more at home for two more years; but yea I already know as much as somedays I say I can’t wait for those days, I think I am going to kind of hate them too

  13. Oh gosh, just WOW. How does time fly by so fast? I ask this all the time and NO ONE has a good answer!!

    I will be this way when K goes to full-time school. You know, like tomorrow (it’s really 2 years away but who’s counting??)

  14. You so perfectly described how that feels. I’ve so been there. It lessens a little by little everyday as the busy days of the school year/fall sports overtake you. Then you get sweet summer break and it’s like you have them back (sorta) and even though they drive you crazy, you’re in mama heaven…then you get socked in the stomach all over again when the next school year starts and the house has that earie silence, only its not as bad and not as long.

  15. Oh, my heart is aching right along with you!! My oldest starts kindergarten in 2 weeks, and while I’m on the other end of things with it being my first one heading off to school, it still has me feeling all sorts of crazy-all-over-the-place emotions. Hope his first day was fantastic…and that your days keep getting better and better! :)

  16. First time stopping by and I gotta say what handsome dudes you have!!! I remember when my son started kindergarten, I was a mess all day. I cried most of the day and held on to his favorite toy.

  17. Oh man, I don’t even want to think about this day. I’m glad you at least found solace in your cookies! Give yourself a pass until you’re at least a little used to it… and keep working out to hide the tears and shed the cookie weight ;)

  18. This is how I felt when I went back to work after being home with my girl for 3 years! Then again after maternity leave ended. Seriously why can’t I just take them to work with me!???! Oh that’s right, I’d get NOTHING done! Do I get anything done now? Nah!

    so thanks, for making me remember those feelings and cry at work like a BIG sissy lala!

  19. I’m so sorry!! I know I will be a wreck when mine starts in a couple of years. We are going to do moms day out soon and even though going to the grocery store alone sounds awesome I don’t want to leave her!! Feel better!

  20. Oh man, that sounds like a crazy handful of emotions. I’m not looking forward to that when my third goes to school, too. So happy he had a successful day, and it will get better for you. Soon, you’ll love all of that extra blogging, writing, cleaning and shopping in *peace* time. You guys must be a Bay Area sports fan family, too. Or at least your son is, lol. Love it!! Go Niners!!

    Carmen @ Adventures of the Triple B’s

  21. I am facing your day next Monday, and dreading it. #3 is going to Kindergarten and there never was a kid more ready. Because she qualifies for Speech Therapy, she also qualifies for Full Day Kindergarten. I know she’s going to have a blast, and love every minute of it, but I AM A MESS. When her brother went to school for the first time, I was surprised at the fact that I WAS A DISASTER, so I fully anticipate this being similar, if not worse, because I’m already upset about it. #4 is going to PreSchool, so I am facing an entire 5 hours a week of quiet time. Somehow, in the coming days, we’ll rally with the quiet, and get into our sending things out to Goodwill, and have coffee with friends, and solo grocery shopping trips and wonder how we ever did all this with kids in tow. I’ll miss them, for sure, but having some time to be ME again is really needed at this point. I hope I’m as fun to be around as I originally thought.

  22. I have cried off and on since we dropped JDaniel off. He was excited and ready to go. I so wish we had just one more year. I would do all the things I am thinking that we should have done.

  23. I am convinced that the bus driving away plays a larger role than we’ve ever imagined. I get wistful every year, but of course that first year is the hardest. For me, though, having to physically take them to the school and leave them, makes it easier. And with Z, I’ve gotten a 2 year prep with PK3 and 4. He starts K next year so we’ll see how that goes, if anything changes. And truth be told, office working ain’t so bad when school starts back up because I have no time to brood in the silence which is what would do me in, watching Adventure Time when they aren’t even home.

  24. It’s not fair that they grow up so fast. I sincerely hope it gets easier for you. we can’t have you all depressed up in here.

  25. Oh, I know how you feel. I wept that entire first week that my little one boarded that yellow bus, and it took me MONTHS to adjust. Looking back, I think I was clinically depressed. So keep exercising! It will help! Big hugs to you, Amanda.

  26. My baby, my side kick, my son starts HIGH SCHOOL in a couple of weeks. His two older sisters will both be in college. Girl, I feel your pain….

    • Oh boy, I don’t even want to THINK about leaving for college! My hat is off to you. It’s not empty next, it’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, at that point!!

  27. Our #3 is going to mother’s morning out 2 days a week starting tomorrow. The thought of it makes me want to puke. I totally get it!

  28. Awww!! Hope he had a wonderful day! Why do they have to grow up???

  29. Ohh.. I nearly cried right along with you!! I hope he had a wonderful first day! And I hoped you are coping okay – I’d be a huge mess too! xx

  30. I feel you. My second boy starts Kindergarten next week, which blows my mind. When did he get so big? His big brother started second grade today, which is also a little crazy!

  31. Oh I HATE that first day of kindergarten! I’ve done it 3 times now and it never gets easier sending a baby off. The school day feels like forever as I worry about how they are doing and just can’t quite get myself into the groove of doing anything productive. But, I have not sent my youngest off to kindergarten yet. So, I’m sure that REALLY is hard! For 10.5 years I’ve had one at home with me or just in preschool! Next year the littlest goes to kinder, so I really hope you have a post in a few days (weeks?) about how awesome it is having all your kids in big school and just how much you get done during the days once you adjust to the new normal, so I can be excited rather than dread next year! Funny, I posted about my dog staring at me, too!

  32. My littlest is still home with me this year. But man, I can see this coming for me. When it’s his turn? Just me and….silence? It’s gonna be weird and sad. I totally get this. Big hugs and I know you know it will get easier, but in the meantime, hugs.

  33. I’m so sorry this has been so hard for you. It will get easier. Promise.

  34. We haven’t started yet. Next week I get to go through this. My baby girl is starting Kindergarten. I think I will be ok? Not sure, she is my little ray of sunshine. :)

  35. You’re right, it’s definitely rough. My kids are tweens and teens and I’ve still had anxiety over them starting tomorrow. This summer has gone by way too fast and I’m going to miss the quality time. I wish you the best through this transition period.

  36. Aw, I understand. It’s hard when they grow up.

  37. It’s rough … I’m feeling it too. This is the first year both of my kids are at school every day. I got very down yesterday and didn’t know why. Like you, I was thinking whee! They are going to have such fun hanging with friends all day! I am going to be so productive while they’re in school! But there’s a crushing sinkhole in my self that I didn’t count on coming.