I’ve decided to use Fridays to dig back in the formerly-parenting-BY-dummies-now-Dude-Mom blog archives to share previously-written-but-somewhat-revamped posts with you all.
Because I’m lazy being home alone all day has caused me to pick up a bunch of extra responsibilities, including but not limited to, volunteering at two schools twice a week, as though I am actually being paid, organizing every single room in this beast of a house we live in (so far, I’ve done the Playroom, that is all), and cooking real meals like a real human at least 5 days a week (they aren’t always real meals, okay, I’m TRYING). Time for writing brand spankin’ new material every day of life is scarce. And also, some of you didn’t even know me back then.
Think of all of the awesome you missed out on when I was DUMBMom!
DumbMom was messier, more disheveled, operating on even less sleep than I get now, and wholly unfashionable. She was always late, dirty, tired, lost, wet, sticky, or somehow unprepared for the very next moment in her life.
Because that’s what it’s like for some of us when we have a kindergartener, a preschooler, and a newborn. Or a first grader, a preschooler, and a newborn. Or, um, a middle schooler, an elementary schooler, and a kindergartener.
From The Archives…
Guide to Teaching Your Kids (Including the One You Married) A Lesson in Appreciating You for Being Awesome (by pretending to be them for an entire day like in Parent Trap only scarier, because it’s real)
6:00am I get up. I go into your room, butt naked, tap you on the forehead and announce to you that I peed in my bed. I then ask to climb into your bed, freezing cold and smelling like a bus station where I rub my stick, peed on self all over your freshly launder sheets.
6:10 I fall fast asleep.
6:15 I begin to assault your internal organs by kicking them during a nightmare, forcing you out of your own bed.
7:00 Wake up. Begin screaming your name like I’m being abducted by aliens. When you run into the room, tell you that I peed in your bed too and want my breakfast RIGHT NOW.
7:10 Sit on bed and cry while you clean the water I sloshed all over your bathroom floor. You should not have forced me to take a bath.
7:25 Dressed for school wearing rain boots, shorts, a corduroy shirt, and a pirate hat. I am going commando today. Because it feels good.
7:30 Eat a Pop Tart for breakfast after refusing fruit, yogurt, toast, eggs, waffles, pancakes, and anything hot. Demand a glass of chocolate milk. Room temperature, please.
7:45 Spill chocolate milk on my shirt, your shirt, the couch, the hardwoods, and the back of Loaner Dog.
7:50 Insist on changing into a dinosaur shirt; one size too small.
7:51 Puke on too-small-shirt, floor, you, and back of Loaner Dog.
7:55 Scream at you while you call work and say you won’t be coming in today.
8:00 Go upstairs to wake up big brother. Puke on him.
8:01 Cry in horror while big brother sympathy pukes on me.
8:05 Sneak into kitchen to eat another Pop Tart while you clean up brother, floor, bed, wall, and ceiling?!
8:25 Chase brothers and Loaner Dog around house like I’m miraculously healed.
8:35 Refuse to put on clothing so that you can drive big brothers to school. Force you to take me in the car wrapped in my Snuggie.
8:50 Puke in car while in the drop off line at school.
8:55 Tell you that you are the worst ever because you won’t stop the car and clean up my puke even though we are only three minutes from the house, don’t have any water or even a dirty napkin with which to perform such a task.
9:25 Clean and happy, fall asleep on your lap.
11:00 Wake up. Demand food.
11:01 Refuse everything on the BRAT diet. Only accept Pop Tarts.
11:31 Hershey squirt my shorts while puking.
11:35 Suffer a mean case of the mud butt which I make you stay in the bathroom to witness despite your inability to control your gag reflex due to the smell.
11:37 Puke in your lap while you rub my back while I crap.
12:00pm Fall asleep on your lap, but cry every time you move (moving would include taking a deep breath).
1:31 Run around the house as though I’ve not been puking and crapping on your person all day.
1:45 Insist that you play puzzles.
1:47 Insist that you play parade.
1:51 Insist that you dress me up like Anakin Skywalker and play light sabers until you cut off my arm.
2:05 Refuse to help you clean anything up.
2:10 While you clean up go into the kitchen and steal a Pop Tart.
2:20 Lock you in the garage when you go out to get something from the freezer.
2:30 Let you in. Show you where I puked on the couch and clap because Loaner Dog ate it.
2:35 Make you watch Fresh Beat Band.
3:00 Make you rewind it and watch it again.
3:30 Go to the bus stop to get big brothers. Pee outside of the car.
3:35 Poke big brother in the eye the minute he gets in the car.
3:40-5:00 Fight with big brothers until dinner.
5:01 Refuse to eat dinner. Spill juice in plate. Spill plate on floor.
5:02 Ask for a Pop Tart.
5:03-8:00 Fight with big brothers.
8:01 Skip bath (I’m clean enough). While big brothers have bath, play with the remote and erase the episode of The Bachelor you were hoping to watch later.
8:30 Go to bed.
8:31 Call you for water.
8:32 Call you for a hug
8:33 Call you to find Bully and Baby
8:34 Call you for a hug
8:37 Call you because I got my head stuck in my shirt while I tried to remove it without unbuttoning it.
8:55 Finally asleep when you come in to check on me.
Dear Dudes, I am hopeful that me pretending to be you all day is enough to remind you how I awesome of a mom, and human, I am for putting up with your crazy. You can have your life back now. Don’t take it for granted again or I might have to pretend to be you again.
DudeDad, you’re next.