Dude Mom Life: Dude House Sounds. Vol 1.

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If someone told me thirteen or so years ago, that mom life would one day be me convincing my son that hoarding my dead body was a monumentally bad idea, I wouldn’t have believed them.  Sometimes, I still don’t.

This is what a Dude House sounds like…

jumpin on bed

Me: Underwear actually aren’t a two day item.  You have to take them off and put on fresh ones every day even if they don’t look or feel dirty.  No, I’m not kidding and, yes, I’ve told you this before.

Anyone who mothers a son can tell you that they have this gross factor that is almost too disgusting to be real. Girl moms like to tell me that they are the proud owner of pretty gross kids too.  Fine.  Agreed, I don’t think I saw a nastier side of humanity before I moved into the dorms and experienced the foulness of 16 women sharing one bathroom.  For me, the difference comes in the lack of shame, and even awareness.  Girls don’t like their filthy secrets to get out.  We like to pretend we’re clean and neat and tidy.  Often even going to great lengths to make it appear that this is so to those around us whose approval we seek (boyfriends, mother in laws, neighbors who drop unannounced, probably on purpose).  Dudes don’t put that level of effort into it.  They seem to rarely even notice that they are being disgusting and, when they finally do, they don’t have the presence of mind to really give a care.  This nonchalance continues into adulthood.  Probably you can count on one hand the number of times you’ve seen a grown up lady hauck (apparently this is not a word) a loogie (and neither is this one, actually) in front of the gym.  And, likely, each time you did you gagged a little and texted a friend.  Yet, let a grown up dude do it and sure, you may gag if it’s a particularly chunky one, but mostly you probably don’t even notice.  It’s certainly nothing to phone a friend about.

Me:  It’s not that you’re using the word incorrectly, it’s that you’re using it at all.  Kids can’t say shit, and that includes dip shit.  Really, shit in any variation is gonna be a no go for you.

-Confession time: #3 curses.  His third official word (we don’t count mama and dada), right behind book and me was crap. His first full sentence was “OH CRAP!”  To date I would say that he has tried out pretty much every single curse word his ears have encountered.  Fortunately, I don’t curse in front of my kids (other than crap, I say crap and freak pretty much always), so what he has heard has been limited and mostly coming from outside sources.  I’ve thought so long about why he does it and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not because he thinks it’s funny or because he wants attention.  He honestly just doesn’t understand why he can’t say those things when they make the most sense in a situation.  Example: During our one and only camping trip to date, Mimi looked at a far off mountain while walking with #3 (age 3 at the time), turned to him and asked, “Wouldn’t you just love to climb to the top of that and look down?”  His response, an entirely sensible, “Hell no I don’t want to climb all the way up there. It’s hot!”  Made sense to me. Totally.

mom and son love

Me: Yes, when you’re finished building that teleporter we will go to Brazil, but I don’t think we’ll make it for World Cup.

Me: I really don’t know who Santa’s mom and dad are, and no, I’ve never Googled it before.

-We are pretty much finished with the make believe game here.  In discussions regarding the Eastern Bunny who is slated to make an appearance next month, #3’s questions about the truth behind these mythical beings have gotten quite detailed.  I’m guessing he’s too smart for me to keep this lie going.  I’ve never been a really good liar and he’s always catching me in them anyway, with his but-I-thought-you-saids and but-what-abouts.  I don’t have the mental capacity to keep up.  I’ve known for years that it was smart than me.  Plus, when it comes to magic you’re supposed to just believe, and if you can’t then probably you just don’t, right?

Me: Stop sliding on the bench. Stop sliding on the bench.  Stop sliding on the bench.  Stop sliding on the bench.

Them…

 

Me: I mean it, sometimes people just like to do things naked. Like cook or clean or whatever.

#3: Really? Because everyone I know likes to do things while they wear pants.  Beyonce should wear pants and a shirt while she cooks dinner.

-Stop yer singing Beyonce.  Also, we are officially listening to only the story telling channel in the car these days.  Nothing else is safe anymore.

Me: I think that’s probably against the law, Sweetie, but I appreciate your desire to keep me close.

-#3 has this thing about death.  He recently proclaimed that should I meet an untimely demise he plans to keep me in his room, under his bed, so that we can continue to be near me whenever he wants.  He informed me that he won’t let the smell bother him, because no matter how badly I smell he is always going to love me.  I appreciate that, for sure.  We have to meet again this week to further discuss why I’m not okay with him hoarding my dead body.  The last we spoke on it, he wasn’t interested in taking no for an answer and was not convinced that local law enforcement would have an issue with his choice (I belong to him so he should be able to keep me if he wants).

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Comments

  1. The hording of your dead body was the funniest thing I’ve heard all day, and oddly the sweetest too. lol. The way their minds work is so precious. So happy you shared! I think I’d like a ride in the teleporter also, I’d love to see some far off places but hate the cost of flying, can I trade rides for snacks? Or home made bread? I make awesome bread.

  2. Your house sounds like my house. Minus the dead body discussion, but frankly, no topic surprises me any more so if it comes up I’ll be ready!

    My #2 (who is almost exactly the same age to the day as your #3) also cusses. I do the responsible-mom thing and admonish him for it, but it’s so hard because I don’t really have a problem with it. (And I’m sure with that statement there are people waiting to sanctimoniously dial CPS.) He doesn’t use the words disrespectfully or in public places – he uses them just like most people do. Like the time he ran outside, then came quickly back in with a nonchalant, “Oh shit, I forgot my shoes.”

  3. As crazy as these boys are of yours…they’re pretty damn entertaining!

  4. Parents of swearing kids unite! My two year old son not only says “oh shit” but if someone else accidentally says it in front of him he beams proudly and says, “I say that!” “Oh shoot” just won’t stick for him.

  5. You are making my boy sound like he’s not clinically insane. I wasn’t sure for a while, but after reading this, I know that he’s just like other gross boys. We finally got him to understand the underwear thing. At 8, he’s really starting to SMELL like a boy, so please God, let’s shower and get on a new pair of undies. We haven’t had to talk bout cussing just yet, but the kids at his school are savages, so I know it’s coming. Funny, he HAVE had to discussing cussing with our 3 year old who doesn’t even go to school. But I blame that on her father, and not me. Nope, I have nothing to do with that.

  6. Yeah, I have three boys in a row too and I’m torn on the whole “boys are inherently gross” thing. I mean, yes, they can be very gross about certain things, but so can the girls. I mean, I don’t get it, but all of them (the three girls and the three boys) appreciate a good belch. My boys tend to like “gross” things, like bugs and snakes, but not stuff like being filthy. Maybe it’s the homeschooling. They’re with me constantly so all that stuff is just kinda nipped in the bud by me: “No, that isn’t cool. Seriously? I have to tell you this?”
    The dead body hoarding thing, I could totally see my youngest boy saying, but none of my girls. Now, if their father passed, they’d be all over it.

    • DudeMom says:

      It’s not that girls aren’t gross equally, it’s that we care more about being seen as NOT gross. Same with all the way grown up dudes. They spit in public, and like scratch their junk, and really don’t care as much if the girl they are dating finds out they leave their dirty socks on the ground. Chicks don’t do that stuff at the same rate.

  7. Ha ha! Loved this post, but I found your first bit of dialogue kind of sad (regarding the underwear). I’ve had that conversation recently…with my husband.

  8. I just adore you. You handle these all with such grace. btw… baby girl uses dumb ass as if it was folks real first name – she is often right :)

  9. This post totally made me laugh.

    #1 just lost faith in the tooth fairy last night, but he still believes in Santa, thank goodness. I almost cried when he told me googled “do moms and dads take teeth and leave money.” Seriously???

    • DudeMom says:

      Google is the magic killer of the universe. Oh, and moms who forget to leave money for the tooth. Guilty!

  10. I gotta say, if they use the words correctly you cannot really fault them. ;) Except that one that starts with an “F”… ;-) But shit? Yeah, I’ve been using that one a while myself. And my mom used to spell it all the time, literally say “S.H.I.T” instead of saying it outright. It just loses all of it’s effectiveness that way, I think.

    And the underwear… oh the underwear. And socks. Ew.

    • DudeMom says:

      Yes, the socks. They really don’t think they get dirty unless they actually get visibly dirty. I even instituted the smell test and they fail it continuously. I get looked at crazy when I call their stuff funky. Like, can you seriously NOT smell that?!

  11. Ah boys are so fun…and funny!

    • DudeMom says:

      I’ve learned to appreciate them in ways I never did before giving birth to them, that’s for sure!

  12. Heck, *I* wouldn’t mind a ride in the teleporter. After you’ve returned from Brazil, that is.

    • DudeMom says:

      No, come with. He’s making it super big so we can bring the dog and snacks and the iPad and my comfy shoes because he knows my feet hurt in heels.

  13. hoarding your dead body huh, that’s love, pure love.