Before you get out your pitch forks, let me just say I support all moms. Totally, I just also support societal rules and human expectations. And I think people need to be reminded about a little something I like to call “act right”…
A few months ago I was sitting in the car rider line at school while the parent in front of me did all of the things they say not to: she turned her car off, got out, and walked her kid across the street, but not until she packed his bag and zipped his coat and gave him a hug all while wearing, um, intimate shorty shorts and a g-string (ask me how I know this).
The car rider line was backed out into the street waiting for the show to end, and probably I was gaping. For all of the reasons.
Since it seemed that some of us had missed the first 69, 999 notifications the school had previously sent, the principal went ahead and disseminated her seventy thousandth email reminder about how the car rider drop off line works (drop off underlined, bolded, and all caps too). One parent’s inability to behave according to society’s expectations meant someone had to exhaust valuable time, which in turn wastes hard-to-come-by money, to reeducate all of us on how to behave so as to ensure a smooth running system.
When you have over 700 children coming through your doors each day, people acting right is sort of a necessity. And those who don’t, must be stopped!
In this case, moms.
There’s something about that shared experience that brings many of us together.
But, it can also tear us apart.
Motherhood is one of those things that people are super passionate about. We all think our way is the best way (because, duh, we are all doing “what’s best” for our babies). It’s just that what’s best is subjective.
For example, I think what’s best is that my kid spends at least an hour doing his own thing each day so that I can do human things like shower solo and use the bathroom without and audience maintain my personal sanity, and if that “independent playtime” involves the Disney Channel or his iPad, so be it. Some people don’t necessarily believe in the necessity of this, or they disagree with my method, or whatever. Don’t even care. I just know that I’m comfortable doing me so you should be comfortable doing you and leaving me out of that.
There are times when your doing you intersects negatively with my doing me due to a requirement of a shared location. It is then that you must be stopped.
People Who Must Be Stopped: Mom Edition
1. Moms who think their kid isn’t the bad one. They ignore the fact that he is punching kids in the tube slide and throwing sand in the sand box. Clearly he is the only one not crying without sand in his hair. Also, I saw him and I’m pretty sure you did too. We’ve all had the kid whose behavior threw shade on our ability to parent in public. It’s part of the game three year olds like to play and we all have been on the receiving end of the make-Mommy-look-like-a-loser days. Own it and I will love you, act like your kid didn’t just swipe a piece of gum out of mine’s mouth and things could get ugly.
2. Moms who think it’s cute when their kid bangs the top of my head over the booth with her spaghetti sauce hands. I don’t even like being touched by strangers, let alone strangers with red sauced hands. I get it, Susie is spirited and I’m cool with that, it’s your LOLing and lack of apology I’m uncomfortable with.
3. Moms who don’t know how the car rider line works. See above.
4. Moms who make judgy statements into questions and then follow them up with a statement about the awesome they do. Like, “You let him have a cookie? I didn’t let Cole have cookies until he was three.” Or, “He still has a paci? We took Madison’s away when she was one, you know bad for the teeth.” Or, “You’ve gained 40lbs with this baby? I didn’t want to put on too much weight, losing it is just so hard.” Stop. Talking. Please.
5. Moms who give incorrect advice like it’s an expert testimony. Dude, I’m pretty sure your kid just had Fun Dip with a Diet Coke chaser and isn’t wearing sunscreen or shoes in the park bathroom. You’re not the boss of me.
6. Moms who don’t like tacos. In fact, all people who don’t like tacos. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Disclosure: This is a humor post. In reality, I don’t care what you do. However, if you do these things to me, expect to receive a face that indicates my desire to stop you.