Millions of women (and men?) spent their weekend in a movie theater watching Christian Grey have his way with Anastasia Steele.
I’m not ashamed or afraid to admit that I was one of those people.
I am also big enough to admit that I am a teeny bit afraid of all of the people who are so passionate (one way or another) about it. I just don’t even understand what all of the nutty is about, especially by those who didn’t and don’t plan to read or watch it. (For the record: you can’t review a film or a book without partaking in it, you just can’t.)
Before you let all of the crazy get to you, take a peek at some things I think you need to know.
The Only 10 Things You Need to Know About 50 Shades of Grey, The Movie
1. It will not be nominated for an Oscar. Or, any award. Just like how the book wasn’t. The writing wasn’t awesome in either of these endeavors. It just wasn’t. Doesn’t mean you can’t be entertained by it, just means that critically, there are flaws. So, bring those expectations way down, people, we are talking about a fanfic novel about BDSM. That was made into a feature film. Not a memoir. Not a biopic. Not even a “based on true events” dealy. Fan. Fiction.
2. Boobs. All of the boobs. If you have an issue with seeing naked lady parts, there is no way in this universe this is a movie you should see. And, for those of you who want to know, you don’t get more than a couple of butt shots of Jaime Dornan, and a snippet of his happy trail. It’s a fulfilling happy trail, but still, there will be no shots of his man junk.
3. It. Is. Fiction. Like the vampire story it was inspired by. No one is saying real BDSM relationships are like this, just like no one is saying that sparkly vampires are really running around in the forests of Washington fighting over girls with werewolves. It’s for funsies. Not for you to go out an emulate. Or even think about much once you get in your car and drive home. And, remember, this is a movie for adults. Not impressionable children. I sincerely hope that adults who see this film don’t think that all BDSM relationships are this way. Or that everything Christian Grey does to Anastasia Steel is ok. Or that marrying a billionaire would make getting your tail spanked a happy exchange. Or that, never mind. You get the picture. You’re grown ups, I don’t feel like you need to be told that this film and its characters are not truly living a healthy, real life relationship we all hope to one day find ourselves in. Let somebody even try to cable tie me up. Homie don’t play that.
4. People have crazy strong opinions about it. Like WAY strong. Like I will unfriend you on Facebook and in life if you say you enjoy 50 Shades of Grey strong. Personally, I don’t desire to convince you one way or the other. I read the books and I saw the film. I gathered 6 women who haven’t been to a film with a grown up lady friend in months (or, years? Honestly, I think the last movie I saw with a girlfriend was probably Magic Mike), and we went and giggled and had a good, grown up lady time for 2 hours in a movie theater filled with hundreds of other similarly inclined grown up ladies and their grown up lady friends. You can hate us for that if you want, but we truly had too much fun doing something together to even care. We will see Magic Mike 2 when it comes out this summer and are so much okay with people judging us for that too. (For the record: Channing Tatum is tasty and I will pay $12.50 to watch him dance to Pony any day of the week.)
5. It ends with a cliffhanger. The kind that just makes you mad.
6. The Onion has the only 50 Shades of Grey review you need to read. Most of the rest of them sound as boring as the book they all claim to despise and similarly bash the film with rants that name it as nothing more than a sadistic glamorization of sexual abuse that is antifeminist and, maybe even anti-human. I actually have yet to read a positive review of the flick, but at least the one The Onion put out is entertaining.
7. The Hot Tub Time Machine preview they show before the film makes it all worth it. Sigh, I love me some Darryl (aka Craig Robinson).
8. The movie is pretty true to the story of the books. Except they use iPhones in the movie and I distinctly recall that they used Blackberrys in the book. Okay, that’s not the only “except”, but I know you either don’t care or don’t want me to ruin it for you, but if you really just need to know, read this: 50 Shades the Movie vs the Books.
9. I think Dakota is a better Ana than Jaime is a Christian. Also, I liked her.
10. Unlike every blog online seems to be reporting, seeing it or not won’t change your life. It’s not a must see, it’s not a must avoid, IT’S JUST A MOVIE. Some people will like it, just like some people like being tied up and whipped silly. Maybe that’s your jam, maybe it isn’t, but either way, this film will likely have zero effect on your predilection for bedroom kinkiness or anything else that truly matters in your life. So go if you want, stay home and knit socks if you prefer, but don’t let it get you worked up. It’s pretty not worth it.
I read all 3 books- in one week (on vacation, because I NEVER have that kind of time in real life!) and I found them to be very fun and a great way to spend a few (ahem) hours of vacation. I will definitely see the movie. I am tired of all of this anti-50 shades stuff going on in the blogosphere. Puhleeze… it’s entertainment people! Not a life guide. Not something I would share with my kids! Just a fun distraction.
My biggest regret? I don’t live near enough to you to go out with your girlfriends to see it!
I read the first book. And then I wished I hadn’t wasted my time. Curiosity might make me see (parts of?) the movie if for some reason it comes before my face at some point, but that would be THE only reason.
I’m sure the movie people are glad for all the fuss. ;-0
That was a very well written list. I did partake in the books but so far not the movie. The books were very poorly written and very repetitive. I am sure the movie makers will make a ton of money on the movie. Not because it was a good movie or hot actors. They will make money because people will go see it out of curiosity due to the big deal that is being made out of it. Pick your battles people, we have bigger problems in the world than a movie.
I am embarrassed to admit I read the books, but yes I am not a fan of boobs. Well others at least! Thanks for writing a neutral opinion of this, and nice to meet you!
I love the way you write, and I think you do a great job on this post. I’ve seen a lot of opinions on this subject, but most of them react to the immediate satisfaction of the guilty pleasure. What I think is missing in all of them is any kind of acknowledgement of the long range view. I used to work in Trend Forcasting for a major fashion house. We looked at any Buzz-worthy topic in order to find what the next big thing was going to be that season, to incorporate it in our line. That includes ANY movie that grosses the kind of money that Grey did. So in six months to a year, we’ll be seeing 50 shades inspired fashion, not only for women, but for children as well. All those Moms who complain that little girls were already dressing too sexy, it’s about to get worse, and paying to watch this movie directly contributed to it. Speaking of children…75-85% of children learn about sex from their parent’s “stash”…I’m not saying that we are going to read these books to our kids before they go to bed, I’m talking about them sneaking around and finding it while they are looking for their Christmas presents or playing hide and seek at a friend’s house. With millions of copies sold, and it available in grocery stores, it’s pretty easy to get a hold of. It is inevitable that a kid is going to get a hold of it, read it, and believe that this is what sex is. If the public can’t keep a gun that’s supposed to be locked up out of a kid’s hand, a book that is being talked about so openly is a no-brainer. This is my daughter’s dating pool…your son’s as well. And then there are other statistics: After Madonna’s Sex book was released, violent crime against women went up. Sexual harassment in the work place had more reported cases. And that was a book that was supposed to be empowering women-yet had strong BDSM influences. We live in a capitalistic society: when we decide to purchase things, and those things make money for the creator, more follows, and we become more and more immune to it. We COULD choose to boycott, or find a way to see or read something without having our dollar attached as an unwritten consent to it. Regardless of how you feel about BDSM, violence against women, fashion, etc. these are factors that should at least be considered. It is not meant to criticize anyone who wanted to see this movie or read the books-everyone has that right. It’s a free country. But with freedom comes responsibility as well.
Thanks for commenting. A reply: I am not of the opinion that I need to shield my children from the existence of alternative lifestyles or of the fact that violence against women (or any violence) occurs in the world. I know that kids will read it, probably just as easily as my child gets to see that Kim tape that made her famous, but I make it my goal to talk about all of these things with my boys. And to help them understand this (like all fictional things they encounter from violence in video games to fantasy sequences in movies) and how it fits into our day to day lives and my expectations for them as young men. I don’t desire to erase these types of things from the world because I believe that people have the right to partake in them as they see fit (I don’t have an opinion about BDSM relationships other than, just like I will not be participating in a homosexual relationship, I am not gonna have a BDSM relationship but am totally ok with you having one). And, based on a number of other things that I have encountered, in simply the hands of my students, this is not really the thing that I think will lead to the end of civilization. Maybe? But also, there are at least 75 other things that I wish people were more passionate about at the moment. If people threw this amount of effort and passion into writing about lack of educational funding in disenfranchised neighborhoods, or the hunger issue we have in America (not to mention the world) I’d be so much more understanding. But nope, whether or not two fake people are a true depiction of a loving relationship is what gets people going. That was my point, largely.
So glad you wrote this. Particularly #3. I haven’t read the books, and I don’t plan on seeing the movie, but I sure am tired of seeing everyone’s expert opinions on it all.