Today is Dude 1’s birthday.
Fifteen.
My son is fifteen!
I feel barely older than that myself, and yet, here I am, in charge of leading and guiding this boy who is almost entirely a man.
I had this wonderful birthday post planned out in my mind –I was going to share baby photos and fun stories –a video slideshow set to whimsical to music. But, seriously all I can do is cry while I type.
Just feelings. *insert lyrics to that sappy old song because I am all up in them today*
I am so, so freaking proud of this wonderful person.
And I am so super excited to see what he does next with his life –every day is like this new adventure that he is leading us on and it has been since the very first moment he drew breath on this earth.
And right in the middle of all of that happy hopefulness for his bright future is this hideous sadness and epic fear about all of the things that I miss and all of the things that could still go wrong and al of the things that scare me on a daily basis about what I’ve done wrong, what I’m doing wrong, what I have yet to do wrong, and ALL OF THE THINGS.
I am such an emotional wreck over this child.
All of my feelings for him are so intense, but also tramped down and covered in bravery so as not to embarrass or frighten him.
I mean someone around here has to act like they know what they’re doing.
Even though really, NONE OF US HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WE ARE ACTUALLY DOING.
And yet, somehow, each year turns out okay, some even turn out awesome, and we say goodbye to another milestone that we never imagined we’d reach, at least not quite so quickly.
There are so many things I want my son to know, way more than I can jam into this blog post that I can barely type for snotting, so I wrote him a letter, and I slid it under his door, and it went pretty much like this.
15 Things I Want My Son to Know for Sure on His 15th Birthday
1. I wanted you. Not a baby, not a son, YOU. You’re exactly what I hoped for every night when I curled myself around my massive belly and went to sleep when you were growing inside. Including a few things 23 year old me had no way of even knowing I should wish for.
2. I don’t really care what you do when you grow up. As long as you are happy. And safe. I need you to be safe. And healthy. And a dad, to a daughter who you let visit me basically whenever she wants which will probably be every weekend because my grandma-ing skills are going to far surpass my mommy-ing skills, no doubt.
3. I am proud to call you my son.
4. And I will never, ever regret saying that. Not only because I love you, but because I trust you enough, even right now at 15, to become the kind of person I can be proud to know.
5. You can change the world. People will try to discourage, you may even try to discourage yourself, but you can and I kinda think you will.
6. It’s okay to cry. It means you’re a person with feelings. It means you care. It means you’re just as much of a man as the ones who act like nothing ever bothers them. They’re liars. Or, they’re dead inside and I don’t want you to be either of those things.
7. I think you are sooooo much cooler than all of your friends. And yes, I am saying that because I am your mom, but also because it is true.
8. Your best quality is your kindness. But oh my gosh you are handsome too.
9. Every single time I am hard on you it breaks my heart. I do it because I want you to be what you want to be, I want you to go where you want to go, and I have to help you focus on your goals even when I’d totally rather just sit on the couch and watch Supernatural all day.
10. I love listening to you talk. Even when I have no idea what you are even talking about, which is at least 65% of the time. I swear I am trying and I have Googled so many things because of you.
11. It’s okay to be you. Even if everyone else is the same. We all know how that worked out for the lemmings.
12. Your second best quality is your confidence. Okay, never mind, it’s tied for first with your kindness.
13. Wait for the right girl to give your heart to. I know some girl is going to wise up and figure out that you are seriously the best thing that has ever happened to her. Like I did, 15 years ago, when you were snatched into this world kicking and screaming. Note to that future girl: I had him first, don’t mess it up, I will cut you.
14. I cry all of the time because I love you. Not because I am sad, because I am happy. And kind of a little sad because I can’t hold you in my lap anymore like I used to. Willing to try it though if you are?
15. I believe in you. I know you’re going to read this and then leave it lying on your bed when you go to school. It will probably fall behind your bed and disappear into the oblivion of your dirty room. When you pack up in a few years to go off to college you’ll probably find it, and read it, and remember that I believed in you when you were 15, just like I did when you were 5, just like when you were 5 months, just like I will until the day I die, and probably even after that too.
Happy birthday, Dude 1, I promise not to embarrass you by putting this in your year book when you’re a senior.
Hey that’s a truly nice read for moms of teens and preteens. The one I loved most is : I wanted you. Not a baby, not a son, YOU. How beautiful!