I have a pretty downright scary intense situation coming up in my future and, while I realize it’s still pretty far off and not even all that unique, thinking about it still freaks me out a little.
There will come a time in our lives that all three Dudes will be teenagers at the same time!
It won’t last long, but for one dreadful year I will be able to say I am the mother to three teenage Dudes.
I’m not even remotely certain how I’m going to deal with a 19 year old, a 16 year old, and a 13 year old, but I’m hoping something comes to me sometime between now and say, the next 10 years.
At present I am mostly clueless.
The only thing I absolutely do know about being the super young looking hot mom to three teenage boys is that I’m just glad I’m not gonna be the super young looking hot mom to three teenage girls!
Because of my utter cluelessness, writing a letter to my future Dudes is hard. So much is in the balance still. I don’t know pertinent info like how many things they are going to do between now and then to royal piss me off change who we are going to turn out to be as people.
So, instead of trying to imagine what life with three teen Dudes is gonna entail, I’ve decided to focus on the one thing I can accurately predict: women.
Based on what I know now, all of The Dudes are going to come to a point in their lives when they are interested in experiencing the fast paced advances of loose young broads various members of the opposite sex. I mean #2 already has a “wife” and #1 is stalked incessantly by fast little 3rd graders has generated some interest in the local female population as well.
And, while I know they won’t need to concern themselves with the female issue for years yet (I’m thinking they won’t need this info until they are heading into their mid to late twenties, at which point I will begin setting them up with women I’d like them to make my grandbabies with), I’d like my Dudes to be somewhat prepared for dealing with the mind of a woman.
My goal is to train them up to be a good partner to a good wife of my choosing one day, and I can’t rightfully say that job is accomplished unless I give them the tools and information they need to be successful when it comes to effectively communicating with women.
We are the higher species and it only makes sense that Dudes would need a little guidance in this area.
So, sons, I hope this comes in handy one day!
As you sleep in your cozy little beds in your quaint little rooms, I’m writing you a letter that I don’t intend for you to read anytime soon.
Upon receiving this letter, you may be confused as to why your mother would decide to broach the subject of relationships with you when you are only 9, 5, and 3 years old but, like everything else in life, I just want you to be prepared.
I’ve decided to accomplish this task by arming you with what I’d like to call Chick Rules.
These are the guidelines you need to follow if you ever hope to have any semblance of a healthy relationship with a respectable human woman. Rules that I wish someone would have shared with your father years ago (to prevent me from spending the better part of the last 13 years training him up). Rules that will make women recognize just how lucky they are to have you in their lives (lest I don’t have the chance to remind them daily!).
Heed my words, Dudes. You’ll be glad you did…
Rule 1: Look confused. It’s what a woman expects of you, so use it to your advantage. If a chick accuses you of something, do not step up to defend yourself until she has ranted and raved enough for you to glean all of the details of the situation (as she understands them) out. It is often the case that she is mad about something entirely different from what you think she should maybe, sorta, if-you-look-at-it-that-way, be mad about.
Rule 2: Smile and nod. This sounds an awful lot like looking confused, but it’s more about validation. We like to know you’re listening; smiling and nodding is a step in the right direction. Grunting does NOT count
(please tell your father this). Added points if you ask a few open ended questions while you listen and show approval.
Rule 3: Don’t try to solve our problems. I know it’s in your nature to offer unrealistic and mostly useless advice when we complain about issues we are facing, but that’s not why we’re talking to you. All we want from you is comfort and support. An, “I’m sorry your evil-witch-of-a supervisor did that to you,” goes much further than any statement that starts with, “What you need to do is…” If a woman wants sound advice that they can actually put to good use, they’ll ask their best friend.
Rule 4: Take notes. The mental kind (actually writing notes while she talks will make her think you’re creepy). Girls like it when you notice the little things (and you better notice the big ones). And, they don’t like having to lead you to noticing them. By the time a girl says, “So, do you notice anything different about me?” you’re already in the dog house. The only way to redeem yourself at that point is to buy her something sparkly and awesome remember that her favorite cupcake flavor is red velvet and make something delicious happen for her without her even having to ask.
Rule 5: Make her feel special. That’s what all of this is really about. Women like to know that you really are just that into them and you prove that by listening, responding, being supportive, telling her she’s right, flattering her incessantly, not smelling, acting, or looking like a caveman, and remembering that the black jelly beans make her gag, as does being forced to watch you brush your teeth (seriously, how many times do I even have to say that?).
Please note that should you require additional assistance in this department you can feel free to ask your father. I taught him everything he knows anyway, so I trust his judgment (mostly).
*This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s world famous Writer’s Workshop. You should check it out now because, it’s awesome, and famous, and fun, and um, famous!