I’ve written a number of travel related posts in the past:
How to travel alone
How to travel with a toddler
How to travel for a ridiculous amount of time in a car with three extremely loud talking, prone to gas passing dudes
Just to name a few.
But there’s something different about long trips that has to be acknowledged, and that is that they suck even harder.
Especially in the winter.
Especially when you have a layover.
And, especially when you take your kids or don’t.
Luck for me, I didn’t have to deal with The Dudes’ travel antics on my most recent cross country excursion, but trust me when I say I’ve been there before, a few times actually.
So, consider this Dumb Mom’s Guide to be beneficial to those unfortunate passengers traveling with kids, as well as those only slightly more fortunate who are traveling without them.
Dumb Mom’s Guide to Cross Country Air Travel or How to Enjoy the TSA, Survive a Layover, and Not Viciously Attack People Who Suck
1. Go in your jammies. This is something Stacy and Clinton have made it virtually impossible for me to accomplish, but if you do have a good pair of traveling sweats I suggest you bust them out for this event. Chances are you will have to undress parts of yourself to get through security (you try gracefully removing button-up ankle booties while wearing an above the knee dress, a cardigan, a leather jacket, and various forms of metal based jewelry) so getting all dolled up is pointless. Not to mention you’re likely to sweat out your cashmere sweater or freeze in anything cute you might own. And, there’s also a possibility, one that’s not even very remote, that you and your entire immediate family could wind up spending the night in the airport due to various cancellations, delays, and/or intentional over bookings. Believe me people, it happens so you might wanna dress for it. Please note however that regard should be paid to undergarment selection in the event of a full body scan (I got my first one, and it was quite thrilling actually), that could turn into a pat down and a DNA test (the first part wasn’t entirely unpleasurable, but the second part was kinda weird) so tucking your t-shirt into your granny panties is ill advised.*
2. Don’t believe the hype. Every airport doesn’t do a body cavity check or examine you naked. And, they also don’t make the passengers of greater girth purchase an extra seat. Don’t ask, just believe.
3. Bribe people. To get you bumped up to first class (OM-freakin-G it is so totally worth it to not have to be smashed into a super loud flying box like a sardine!). Or to let you inside one of those I-paid-extra-to-not-have-to-fraternize-with-the-peasants VIP lounges (they are like temperature controlled, with leather seats, and cocktails, and outlets, and wi-fi that actually works. And there aren’t any sexually frustrated college kids flirting shamelessly, padding around in their socks, and smelling like teen spirit).
4. BYOS. That’s unnecessary acronym for Bring Your Own Snacks. I’m not saying you should bring your leftover fried chicken box and single serve cool aid packet (that would make people point and laugh), but you may want to stock up on some healthy snacks that will hold you over in a pinch. Like I said, who knows when you’re gonna have to wait on the tarmac for two hours, and those $12 snack boxes are a joke!
5. Stop baby hating. I know kids can be annoying with their crying and their moving and their loud voices and their breathing, but you know what’s worse? Adults who do that stuff. My worst flight ever was not sitting next to a cute, but highly disgruntled five month old, it was sitting in front of a grown man who kept putting his stupid face stupid knees in my back. Is it that insanely difficult for a 40 year old man to sit still for an hour long flight? I mean my five year old has figured it out so why can’t you?
Bonus that just must be said: Follow. The. Rules. Put your effing bag COMPLETLY under the seat in front of you; the flight attendant shouldn’t have to ask you to do so three times. ‘Cause, seriously, if your bag flies up and blacks my eye during turbulence I will proceed to beat your I’m-too-good-for-rules face in with my safe-for-in-air-use electronic device. Just sayin’.
Happy travels people, and thank you for flying the are you kidding me friendly skies!
Looking for a sweet family travel story or tips for travelling with kids then clearly you’ve come to the wrong place check out my new pals Traveling Moms because they have a ton of that!
Dumb Mom, not so much!
I love Traveling Moms…have worked with them in the past (when my Pit Stops for Kids cap is on).
Loved your tips! So true about grown-ups on planes! They are worse than any toddler!
I used to fly a LOT for work, like every week for three years a LOT. Yeah. Ugh, the most frustrating? People that never fly. :)
One time I was on a flight with two other pretty seasoned passengers (you can normally tell) and they got frustrated with one another. One was in front of the other and pushed her seat back all the way (just don’t do it people, it puts you RIGHT in someone’s face) and the other guy politely asked her to scoop it up a little and she wouldn’t so he took his feet (he was kind of skinny dude) and pushed them into the back of her seat as hard as he could. Fortunately they were able to work it out themselves and our flight didn’t get interrupted by the FBI or anything.
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AMEN!!! I hate people who put insist on reclining their seat all the way too, to the point that they ar e literally sitting in my lap. I just flew cross country in December with my 2 year old and then 6 week old and it actually wasn’t as bad as I was expecting but I wish I would have had your guide!
I loved number five “and their breathing” hahahaha! I HATE sitting next to people who breathe all loud and have bad breath. Also, I have sat next to people that brought last night’s leftovers in a tupperware bowl and ate it. I believe it was some sort of fish thing too–at least that’s what it smelled like. Throwupinmymouth just thinking about it.
Great post!
Wanna know my throwingupinmymouth moment?! This thousand year old lady whose mouth smelled like a rotting corpse. She fell asleep mouth opened, aimed at me and I had to ride from here to Denver with my stupid mouth and nose inside of my stupid shirt. It was that or put that handy brown paper bag to use. Worst. Flight. Ever!
Some of the best travel advice this childless frequent flyer has ever seen! I have one more thing for you… by definition a carry-on bag is one which you are actually able to carry. Just sayin’.
Amen, sister! I love those weak limb ladies who come on and can’t lift their bag into the overhead compartment and bang me in the head as they pretend to try.
I’ll bite. What’s the asterik for at the end of point 1. (panties is ill advised.*)
I looked every where but didn’t see a follow up comment. I’m sooo curious now.
Oops! forgot to add the hey-TSA-people-scanning-my-blog-for-terrorism-threats-just-kidding-disclaimer! I am like 85% sure I wasn’t subjected to a dna test, but it just sounded more intriguing than what it actually was. Oh, and tucking your granny panties into your mom jeans is just gross so it’s always ill advised, particularly when you may have the opportunity to be felt up by a random stranger! Want to make a good first impression, right?!
Yeah, adults are WAY worse than a full pack of wild heathen kids – ANY DAY. Glad you survived and did so without killing anyone (or at least getting caught for it)
I was only tempted a few times. Like the dude with the wicked knees. and, some lady who decided to calisthenics in the aisle right next to me. No joke.
Calisthenics? In the aisle???? WTF? That takes moving around to get the blood circulating to a new… “high”. sorry. You can ban me now.
We will be flying to Cancun next month. I pretty much follow your rules to a T. Except, I dress comfy, but no pj’s. ;-)
PJs are code for yoga pants, fleece pants, or any pants with an elastic waistband that aren’t leggings. According to my pals on TLC, all of those things are as offensive as PJs so might as well go all the way!
Ugh I haven’t flown since before 9/11 and frankly I’m scared to.
Flying in sweats tho… so genius! ;-)
I’ve only recently started to do it more. I think I went on a plane more in 2010 than I had for the 5 years before it combined! Hoping to increase that number this year, but to fun vacation like locales!
Ahhhh… air travel! I don’t think I truly appreciated the joys of traveling sans kids until the first time I did so! I’ll have to take your word on the 1st class thing…
Totally only happened because my MIL works for United and we had to fly stand-by a couple of times before which sometimes results in a fan-freaking-tastic upgrade!