So, there are a few quantifiers I need to put out there about this week’s Dude Mom’s Guide to the Child Centered Universe.
1. DudeMom’s Guide is evidence that I generally don’t have a clue what I’m doing on a day to day basis. Like I tell DudeDad repeatedly, I am an expert at nothing who knows pretty much everything. It’s a source of pride for me in fact. But, just because I’m a know-it-all-control-freak does not mean that you should trust what I say any more than you can throw it. DMG is meant to be useless drivel a humorous look at motherhood, not an actual you-can-live-by-this-shiz guide. DudeMom parents with doubt, so you should have a little too.
2. DudeMom will not be held accountable for your inability to recognize when someone is just playin’. I am not a medical professional (that’s what Goggle is for), I am not a trained therapist (although I am a big proponent of giving unsolicited bad advice), and I am not an authority on anything having to do with being a mom (despite the fact that I’m kinda awesome at it). So, if you go out into the world and try to put this mumbo jumbo into action and you find yourself arrested, intoxicated, detained, restrained, or engulfed in flames as a result, that’s on you my naive friend. Consider this a disclaimer.
3. Mom guilt is normal. Every mom has it. Even cracked out crazy less attentive moms with psychological imbalances have it from time to time. I imagine it comes up for them less frequently, but still, it’s there.
4. Mom guilt will never go away and Dumb Mom doesn’t even think it should. A world without mom guilt is a world in which you wind up wasted on your bathroom floor, beating your kids with a wire hanger a la Mommy Dearest. The point is not to eradicate the guilty feelings completely, it’s to mitigate them with cupcakes by ensuring that you are using your time wisely.
5. I speak in the third person quite frequently. It’s a technique to convince you and also myself of my credibility. DudeMom says it works. So it does.
So, how does DudeMom suggest we loosen the chains of mommy guilt that keep us from fully enjoying many of the basic pleasures of human life?
How to Beat Mom Guilt
1. Do everything on an empty stomach. Hunger tends to quell the savage beast that is my conscious, so when I’m feeling particularly bad about leaving The Dudes to head out to a GNO, I make sure there is a pre-party dinner involved. Helps make it a little more worth it, and even somewhat necessary in fact. I mean, everyone has to eat, right?!
2. Enlist childless friends. They don’t have a kid conscious and they are super good at coming up with a laundry list of reasons why you should partake in whatever joyful activity you are contemplating. Need proof? BFF, who nominated me for WNTW, is childless! See, only an mom-outsider could see the true detriment my mommy wear was causing me.
3. Play the health card. Massages, memberships to gyms with babysitting services, mani-pedis, brow waxings, hair colorings, wine tastings are all rejuvenating activities that will help you to live long and prosper. It’s a proven fact. Or something.
4. Consider yourself a role model. You want your children to grow up knowing that when they accomplish something great, even something as seemingly unimportant as matching an entire basket of white socks in one afternoon, it’s okay to enjoy a glass of wine in the bathroom while they beat on the door begging for entry pat yourself on the back a little. Rewards are a natural part of successful living, as are happy dances and ignoring your children in the name of privacy! It helps them gain independence anyway so might as well teach them how it’s done. If you don’t your husband someone else probably will and if anyone should have the opportunity to teach your children the fine art of ignoring them completely independence and personal fortitude, it’s you dang it!
5. Keep this in mind: you deserve it. Repeat it over and over and over again if you have to (some of require convincing more than others). Because, seriously, motherhood is primarily all about sacrificing. Your mind, your body, your very soul even is changed by becoming a mother. So if you need to take a few minutes in the morning to lock yourself in the garage to polish off the Girl Scout cookies* just breathe, you deserve it. Same thing goes for getting your hair done every so often, or your nails, or your eyebrows; you deserve it. You don’t have to be ashamed for not wanting to look like Al B. Sure in drag. And, it’s even okay to meet up with your girls for a cocktail and flirt with the 21 year old bartender every now and again; you deserve it. Or, to put on your hooker heels sexy shoes and fishnets to go out on a date with the hubs; you deserve it, and so doe he! And, more than anything, it’s okay to be happy. So what if your happy place is surrounded by the fresh scent of leather in your local DSW? It’s okay for Mommy to live a little, maybe not everyday, but every now and then, for sure; YOU. DESERVE. IT!
How do you kick Mommy Guilt to the curb? We all need good excuses reminders to indulge!