This is big.
It’s the one you have ALL been waiting for.
The one every parent everywhere has been waiting for…
Dumb Mom’s Guide to Potty Training a reluctant and at times belligerent recently-turned-two year old boy
Yes, friends, it can be done.
#3, resident reluctant and borderline belligerent two year old boy, is fully daytime potty trained with a little nighttime accompaniment.
It’s not just that big bag of Cheetos that have got him smiling yes it is, that is pride you see.
He rarely messes himself in the day (unless you count when he pulls out his junk at the park and dribbles a little on his knees), and he only occasionally messes himself at night (pretty much only when he is having a get-your-tail-in-the-bed-now-or-so-help-me freak out session that requires him to go directly to bed without passing go or collecting $200 or stopping in to the pot one more time).
He has been almost entirely pretty much completely potty trained for months now, and he’s not even two and a half!
I’m not bragging, I’m just sayin’.
You know, to prove that it really, truly, seriously, for reals can be done.
Even though your largely reluctant, borderline belligerent two year old is standing in his potty chair and peeing on your floor today, tomorrow (well in 7 days) he can be as potty trained and stank free as #3.
Start to finish. Seven. Days.
All three of The Dudes were trained in seven days (with a little extra time to bring their “back ends” into compliance).
All three of The Dudes (including the first one) were trained well before reaching their third birthdays.
Just cause. I hate poop and I’m too broke for diapers.
I’m not saying it wasn’t so hard that I wanted to tie their naked little tails to the potty until they went give up; it was. Totally.
But it wasn’t impossible and you too can be the proud owner of an, albeit reluctant, borderline belligerent, probably even slightly disgruntled, but pretty much all the way potty trained two (or three, or four?) year old boy if you do exactly as I say.
Added bonus; no one will get hurt.
Dumb Mom’s Guide: How to Potty Train Boys Even When They Don’t Want You To
and May Be Possessed By An Evil, Potty Hating Spirit
1. Buy supplies. Fancy potty chair…check. Special, flushable,moist booty wiping towellettes…check. Super fun reward for “making”…check. Instructional materials in the form of Elmo potty books and DVDs…check. One sexy pair of toddler sized drawers to get him in the mood…the only thing that worked for #3.
He honestly didn’t give a care about the potties or the books or even the rewards. All he cared about was looking like an effing rock star in his big boy chonies (aka Mexican word for under shorts).
2. Get over nudity. Because chances are there will be a lot of it. #3 spent most of his training time running around the house in the buff. He liked to wear his big baller drawers, but once soiled, off they’d come leaving him to free ball it the rest of the day. This technique actually made him more aware of the goings on in his junk, so he’d start to go and then grab it to make it stop, giving me ample time to grab him, and run his naked tail to one of the strategically located pee depots (we set up potties in various rooms to keep them within reach at all times).
3. Bribery. Some kids respond to the sticker charts and what not. #1 did, #2 not so much, and #3 not at all. Unless you count the dang Cheetos…
Your choice on this one, but it could work, particularly at the beginning when you are just trying to coax the little baddie out of his diaper and onto the pot. A little sit here, see what happens, don’t cry or kick Mommy in the face, and I’ll give you a sucker afterwards (even if you don’t actually produce anything).
4. Get serious. Mom, Dad, and every other human creature living in or making frequent trips to your potty party during the designated training period should be briefed on the get-kid-to-the-potty-quick procedures. At Casa de Dummies, we devote one solid week to the training up of the kid. We may have to alter our schedule to ensure that we are mostly just at home, but the mild inconvenience is totally worth it. I haven’t changed crap pants in months, people. MONTHS! If that’s not incentive enough to take a week off and stay home then I don’t know what is. Seriously, dragging it out over months is really not as effective. The kid loses interest, you get sidetracked, and both of your wind up frustrated. Potty training is just like every single other parenting issue ever; it’s all about consistency. You can’t let him crap himself today and then expect him to remember that you don’t want him to crap himself tomorrow. If you can’t devote time and effort to the battle, I say don’t start it until you can (or until your kid is about to head off to kindergarten, whichever comes first).
5. It’s all about the preparation. Every cloth diapering mom will tell you that one of the benefits of putting your kid in them is ease of potty training. It is true. But, there is hope for those of you who didn’t: DON’T USE PULL-UPS! Use undies…
I know, Pull-Ups are convenient and they prevent you from having to follow your kid around with a bottle of carpet cleaner. I get it. And, when we had to leave the house, we used them too. But, I’m telling you, if you want to get on the fast track to potty trained bliss you will go straight from diapers to underwear (the absorbent padded kind are fine) and skip the Pull-Up middle man. Let me explain why.
- Kids get sick of standing in a puddle of urine. Even the most belligerent ones will figure out that standing in a puddle of urine at the park or the store (fingers crossed this doesn’t happen, but if it does it will be a teaching moment!) sucks, and standing in a puddle of urine at home ain’t all that fun either!
- Kids learn what the Pull-Up is for. #3, evil mastermind that he is, learned this quickly. He would pee in the Pull-Up every time I put one on him. It was like his comfort zone because he knew I wouldn’t know that he peed them for a while and he wouldn’t care that he peed them ever. They know Pull-Ups are for peeing. Even the ones where they get those nasty micro beads all over their package so they “feel wet” aren’t deterrents to the most reluctant bunch.
- They are more expensive than diapers and like 95% less durable and absorbent. Why would you want to pay more for something if it doesn’t suck less?
There you have it, friends. The How to Potty Train Kids Who Pee Themselves and Like It Handbook.
Keep it close in case you need it!