In the Event of a Zombie Apocalypse or a Really Long Plane Ride

I am in Turks and Caicos.

Later, I will check into Beaches Resort.

I am hopeful that it is the luxurious location everyone has said it will be as getting here has been quite the, um, experience.

Oh, you want to hear about it?!

Sure!

I have nothing but time as I sit here at a random hotel found by the kind woman manning the desk at the hotel where my original reservation had somehow been booked incorrectly. I’m attempting to recenter my positivity as I enjoy the view of a deserted although mostly tree covered aside from the car that maybe, possibly, yeah, mostly likely at one point suffered a fire, lot and I have plenty of time to recount it for you.

Let me do it sort of backwards though.

As I type this I am looking at the previously mentioned lot while chatting up a local cat…

And, before you warn me off, I know, I shouldn’t pet him, but you know what? I don’t care. After the massive flooding I saw here yesterday (seriously guys, cars were ditched with water washing over them), I feel like he is a miracle cat to even be alive. I want some of his good vibes to rub off on me. Plus, he was friendly and he wanted it so he got it. That is all.

And, I’m happy now. Because I smell bacon.

This hotel isn’t my final destination or even one I would’ve picked based on the reviews of Trip Advisor, but the room was clean, the TV and the wifi worked, and the woman at the front desk was the kindest person I have met in years (she wound up driving us to dinner in her own car on her way home so we didn’t have to walk in the flooded out areas).

But, it took a lot to get here.

This day started early.

Due to the weird booking schedules of flights heading here from where I live (DC) I had to travel to an airport I rarely use due to its lack of proximity to my home.

I was awake at 430am, in my car at 530am, and shivering at a shuttle stop in the parking lot by about 650.

We checked our bags, went through security, stopped at least 4 times for my mother to use the restroom, and ate a bagel before boarding out flight to NYC without issue.

Same happened in New York and it was then, as I settled into my seat heading to Providencials, that I began to get suspicious. Nothing, when traveling, EVER goes that seamlessly.

But, in an effort to stay positive, I ate all of my snacks, watched Ant Man, used the free wifi as long as it was available, and then feel asleep awkwardly against the window.

After just a short time, I awoke to some serious turbulence, or the sounds of my own snoring (not sure, probably both though if I’m honest). The seat belt light was turned back on and the captain came on the speaker to update us: Real bad weather guys, we are in a holding pattern just flying around hoping it clears.

More turbulence and a few real minutes where I thought I was going to blow chunks all over my seatmates and we were informed that the weather is getting worse instead of better and, in order to not die in a fiery crash gas up, we will be heading over to the Dominican Republic where we will land and wait it all out.

Bueno!

We can get some relief from this stomach turning ride. Maybe deplane. Fuel up on snackage. Try again in a bit.

Perfecto!

And yes, I speak Spanish when I am delirious and happy.

Only, no dice. Apparently, according to international laws or some such, you’re not allowed to get off of a plane in another country when you weren’t planning to go to that country in the first place. And, if you have to, it is a thing.

To avoid the thing, and also to be ready if we get the go ahead to try Turks again, we had to sit on the plane.

They offered us water. No snacks. People began milling about, clogging the aisles. It was hot. I had to pee. And hungry. So very hungry. Words I was hearing from everyone within earshot.

At one point I cracked open my final bit of sustenance, a box of peanut M&Ms, and realized that people all around were watching me surreptitiously as I enjoyed them. I stood to share them with my mother (she has a blood sugar thing) and a woman reached out to steal them pass them to her. For a brief moment I considered biting her hand, a thought that apparently showed on my face, as she was prompted to clear the air: “NO! I can’t eat them. I promise. I will just haaaand them to her. Not stealing them. I swear!”

We all had a good this-is-not-funny-because-it-is-too-real laugh, Mimi got the M&Ms, and all was right again with the world.

Aside from the fact that we wound up sitting on that tarmac for hours leaving me plenty time to think and asses my fellow travelers for their viability in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Or a Lost like situation where we are sucked into some supernatural version of the Bermuda Triangle.

We might be near Bermuda. Geography is not my thing. It felt Bermuda-ish around there.

Call me crazy, but whenever I find myself in these weird dude-I-could-die-or-be-stranded-and-these-are-the-people-I’d-be-stuck-with situations I like to just know what I’m working with.

And plan for survival.

Seriously, I can’t be the only one.

Things Everyone Trapped On a Plane Probably Thinks

I am hungry.

via GIPHY

Like, seriously, so hungry.

In fact, this might be what people are talking about when they say hangry.

She has to stop talking.

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We crash, we are eating her first, just to make sure.

I have to pee.

I MISS MY KIDS!

I want to cry. But I don’t want anyone to see me doing it. I will put my hoodie over my face.

I should ask the lady next to me her name. In case we don’t make it. I might feel weird about eating her though then. So, never mind.

I have to stop thinking about eating people.

via GIPHY

I AM SO HUNGRY.

I really should’ve doubled up on the deodorant.

This would all be better if they were serving drinks. Or maybe it would be worse. I don’t care. Serve us drinks.

Whoever is farting is not human.

via GIPHY

Why is it so hot.

Hungry. Just. So hungry.