I have been a member of the parenting community for nearly 14 years.
During this time I have met all kinds of moms: free range moms, helicopter moms, natural moms, entrepreneur moms, homeschooling moms, stay at home moms, working from home moms, soccer moms, moms who think soda for breakfast is basically the same thing as orange juice for breakfast moms. Just all kinds of moms.
I’ve learned a ton about and from these women, primarily that while we share the roll of being mothers, we all approach the raising of our babies differently –we’re like fingerprints in our parenting, no two mothers are exactly the same.
Only mothers do share some experiences, some commonalities based on our shared occupation of baby raising, that bind us together and say to the world that we are mother humans, hear us roar (or just get out of the way when we are streaking through the grocery store with a baby held out in front of us because there is a good chance some bodily fluid will be all over your person if you don’t.).
For those who mother, you may not be all of these things, but you’re bound to be at least one…
You Know You’re A Mom If…
1. You went out to your car looking for your phone while actually texting someone on your phone.
2. You spent half of your day in a public place with stickers on your butt.
3. You’ve worn two different shoes out in public.
4. You’ve carried your diaper bag as a purse because changing them around is just too much trouble.
5. You could survive a zombie apocalypse for at least 48 hours living solely on what you have in your purse. Snacks, check. Water, check. A pair of scissors, twine, first aid supplies, and sunscreen, check, check, check, and check.
6. Your gross meter has become entirely skewed. Poop and puke don’t even make you gag anymore and that one time, when your four month old had a blow out at Ikea, you palmed his butt like a pro, rushed to the family bathroom, and washed him in the sink with a bunch of paper towels while your toddler sat on the floor and ate Animal Crackers. You didn’t even sanitize his hands first.
7. You own dressy yoga pants in addition to your house yoga pants. The dressy ones are for like mommy group and grocery shopping and stuff. And, they have a fully intact crotch.
8. You pack fruit snacks, a cheese stick, and Go-Gurt to take to work for lunch. It’s too expensive and troublesome to buy separate snacks.
9. You don’t know who the Bachelorette is this season, but you can talk for hours about Austin Moon. Whose real name is Ross Lynch. Who is in a band called R5. With his siblings.
10. You catch yourself swaying back and forth while you wait in line at the movies. Even though the baby is at home.
11. You have a secret snack stash and probably a secret hiding spot where you can enjoy them.
12. Your iPhone has more kids apps and games on it than you have phone numbers in your contact list.
13. The most recently dialed number in your call list is the pediatrician. He’s pretty much the only person you actually talk to on the phone. At this point in your life, if a relationship can not survive via texting, then it just has to die.
14. Date night ends at 11 so you can get your sitter home by midnight. Also, so you can go to bed.
15. You can’t sleep past 6:30am if you tried. You have been effectively brain washed by your children to believe that this is a reasonable time to start every day. Also, weekends are a joke.
16. You could live in your car for a week if you had to. Some times it feels like you do.
17. You dream about the day you can poop, pee, shower, and/or sleep alone.
18. You will cut a b$tch if she tries to steal your trustworthy, energetic, resourceful, babysitter who doesn’t cost an arm and a leg.
19. Your husband calls you mommy more than he calls you by your name.
20. You have been declared the worst, meanest, most unfair stupid head stupid person in the same hour that you have also been hugged, kissed, cuddled by teeny arms and told that you are the nicest, specialist, most wonderfulest pretty faced lady on the planet and you know that the second one totally cancels out the first one and makes all of this worth living.