Real Talk: Spicy Tips for Married Chicks.

Technically you don’t have to be married to benefit from these specific tips, but I imagine these pertain primarily to those women in long term, committed relationships with the added bonus of children to block romantic type interludes.

Otherwise, you really shouldn’t have a problem, should you?

With all of your free time to make googly eyes and waggly brows at your significant other, romance should be a pretty standard thing.

Honestly, those of us in the kid raising state don’t necessarily have one either.

Being married with kids isn’t an excuse for letting your relationship die a lonely death.

Now, before my mother freaks out you all get defensive, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX.

Nope.  Not at all.  Not even a little.

Okay, so like maybe a little, but only in that if you adopt some of the following tips for spicing up your marital romance, there is a chance (I’m doing this for you husbands) that your spouse will go to sleep a, er, satisfied man due in part or in whole to your efforts.

But, to be clear, that’s NOT what this is about

Because I get how raising kids can sorta get in the way of “relations”.  Aging and childbirth and life changes and the exhaustion and stress all of that entails sorta does crazy things to your sexy biz.  And not crazy good things.  Crazy bad things.  The type of crazy bad things that often result in an immediate downward-ish spiral of your frequency of intimate interaction.

So, this isn’t particularly about that.

This is about connection, and communication, and body confidence, and love, and intimacy, and keeping things fresh so you don’t bore even your ownself to death everyday.

You know, stuff chicks dig.

Note to my mother: seriously, this is awkward because I know you’re here, and I love that you’re always here, except for today; today I don’t love it.  So, if you’re gonna be here can we both just pretend you weren’t, because, um, yeah, I’m 12.

Note to husbands: you are welcome, I need my driveway paved.  I’m just putting that out there.

Alright ladies, let’s do this.

Spicy Tips for Married Chicks: How to Romance Up Your Marriage

1.  Lose the yoga pants.  Temporarily of course.  No one is saying you have to kitten heel and satiny-fur lined robe around your house everyday.  In fact, ew, weird.  But, from time to time, think about changing out of those hi-waist drawers you love rocking and ditching that band shirt with the blown out armpits that you’ve been wearing since ‘98.  Maybe throw on some pants with a real waistline, or a skirt, or some mascara, or even just some soap, for old time’s sake; he will enjoy it.  Not because he isn’t into you in those granny panties and ratty tees (we both know he will take what he can get), just because he appreciates knowing that you put up effort strictly on his behalf; to make him happy.  Also, as a side note, if you want to blow his mind on a date night or something, wear heels.  Not wedges, not cute flats, not flip flops, HEELS.

2.  Use your words.  Dudes don’t really read minds or expressions or sighs.  Sure notice crazy eyes when you bring them out, but they don’t generally know the how or why behind them.  That’s why they appreciate straightforward say what you mean, mean what you say living.  Most of the time, what they think you’re thinking isn’t even what you are actually thinking so, being told, in simple language, is just way easier and less time consuming than having to guess.  So, cut out the middle man (his brain) and just let him know what he needs to know.  If you’re proud of him, look him in the eyes and say so.  If his butt is kinda banging in the new jeans he finally broke down and got, pinch it and tell him.  If you have plans for him later, oh yeah, let him know about it.  Guys appreciate you being verbally expressive in this way.  Plus, it’s a great way to break up the monotony of you nagging him about that light bulb that’s been bout on the porch for 8 months.

3.  Stop talking about your baby belly.  He sees it, of course he sees it, he just doesn’t see it quite the same way that you do.  And, in many cases, if you didn’t talk about it constantly he wouldn’t really see it at all.  For the most part, Dudes see what you want them to see.  Remember, confidence is hot even if it is covered in stretch marks.

4.  Communicate with your body.  You can’t realistically dirty talk him at the dinner table while your kids are telling you tales of about the kid that barfed on the bus again, but you don’t need to.  You can rub his back when he gets home (not long, ain’t nobody got time for that, just a quick hey, boy, how you doin’ rub), and kiss his cheek when you meet him at soccer practice, and make eye contact across the table, maybe throw in a wink if you’re nasty.  Your eyes are powerful, put ‘em to work.

5.  Do something surprising.  My recommendation is that you call me right now and schedule a boudoir photo shoot.  It will build your confidence, it will be fun, I promise to make you comfortable, and I guarantee your husband will freaking lose his mind when you give him a mini book of you being suggestively sexy just for him.  Basically like this…

But, maybe you aren’t ready for that yet.  Maybe you need to start slow?  Plan a romantic getaway.  Or, if you’re looking for something cheaper, buy a pair of heels and wear them to dinner, or, um, to bed.  Hold his hand at the park, kiss him goodbye before work, that sort of thing.  You want him feel like being intimate with him isn’t a chore, like he doesn’t have to get on your schedule just to get a hug, like you’re touching him and giving him attention BECAUSE YOU LIKE HIM, not because you have to.  All the same stuff you want in return, right?!

Don’t believe me?  Check out this article from Redbook: The Top 10 Complaints of Unhappy Husbands