Things Moms Say to Their Sons.

Let me tell you a little secret about youth football.

The most exciting thing for first timers under the age of about 7 is probably gonna be the athletic supporter.

Followed closely by the cheerleaders, the after game snack, and the jersey with their name on it, in that order.

More commonly known as a cup it’s shoved into compression shorts to keep it in place for the majority of today’s youth athlete population as opposed to the historically well worn, can’t-possibly-be comfortable, jock strap (the littles don’t really don that g-string thingy; can you imagine?  So uncomfortable.).

And, it is the most exciting piece of athletic equipment we’ve had on the premises in years.

My son calls it a wiener box protector.  Because, duh, it protects his wiener box.

However, in addition to keeping the family jewels safe, it also has a variety of other lesser known uses.  And there, friends, is where the excitement lives.

The Many Actually Quite Gross Awesome Ways Your Son Will Likely Use His Cup (consider yourself warned)

1.  A face mask.  Probably the most foul use I’ve encountered yet (other than a toilet, and yes, worse comes to worse, they will pee in it on the field and feel zero shame).  But, with the proper shaped nose, or a couple of pieces of duct tape, you can go from regular bad guy, to seriously spooky super villain.  And, if you have a face shaped just right, good balance, and a wee bit of patience, you can hang the cup from your nose; a feat appreciated by dudes everywhere.  Giving the expression, “Look, Ma, no hands!” a whole new meaning.

2.  A treasure chest.  You know those tiny Lego guys?  They fit smashingly inside of your cup while you wear it.  Right there alongside the manly bits, a guy can stash a multitude of his tiny treasures.  #3 says he can fit 3 Lego dudes and their weapons in there and still play an entire football game, no problem.  Ask him how he knows this.

3.  A boat.  This one isn’t so bad because at the very least, if used as a boat while bathing, the thing comes out fresh and clean, just like the sweaty little human bathing with it.  The ones with holes become a shower in the bath tub.

4.  A shovel.  I found it in the garden once.  Covered in mud, worms crawling through it.  I guess he couldn’t be bothered to find the real shovel.  Or take off his football gear before digging for worms.  I shook it out, flung it at him, and told him to hustle.  We were late for practice.  Football players can wear muddy cups, but they can NOT be late for practice.

5.  A booby trap.  Because for some reason, my middle son removes his cup the moment he crosses the threshold into our home, and that is where I stumble over it each morning as I come down the stairs for my coffee.  I’m pretty sure I pulled a hammy three mornings ago trying not to roll my ankle on that thing.  It’s like a roller skate on the stairs.  Or Legos on the bedroom floor.  Deadly.